Tag: positivism

Mandy MIA – Im still sober!

Hello!!! IM BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

First i want to say sorry for missing in action for so long. I totally put my writing on the back burner. Ive been thinking about writing again for awhile but life has been so busy. No excuses though, i should be writing. Its always been therapy for me. I have been neglecting my self care.

But guess the f**k what!!!!!?????? I am still sober!!! 22 months!! I can hardly believe it some times. To go from drinking daily, sometimes all day, to not having a single drop for 22 months?? If that’s not a miracle than i don’t know what is. It hasnt been easy. Some days are hard and i feel overwhelmed, left out and pissed off that i cant ever take ANYTHING to relieve stress the easy way again. But that moment passes and i remember that i am grateful for my journey. I remember that i dont need anything and i can do this!!!! 

I am now a college graduate as well!!! I graduated with a 4.3 GPA. I cried when i found this out. I really did cry!! I am so proud of myself and i was overwhelmed with emotion. I was so worried that i killed too many brain cells with my drinking career. But i put my everything into my studies. This is another reason ive been MIA. I studied so hard and sacrificed time with my kids and my relationships in order to do well. It has paid off! I am now working in the field i studied in. I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!! I get to do service work for a living!!!!! I take care of people who need assistance in their daily lives. How AMAZING is that. I am a Younique Presenter as well!! I have a small team and i am absolutely in love with the business!!! My sons are happy and growing and never ever bring up my drinking from the past. Neither does my family or my boyfriend. I have earned the trust of everyone back again!!!!! Its an amazing feeling. Im shocked that my boyfriend never left me. But ill write about that in another post.

I couldnt have come this far without my sobriety. There is no way in hell that i could have done all of this drunk every day. Feeling pride instead of shame is 100% a better way to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am no longer going to neglect my writing. Its been a hobby since I was 8 yrs old. I have written so much before taking this long break. Im here speaking total honesty because i hope someone else struggling can read my story and be inspired.

I am back baby!!! Lets see what this sober and healthy mind can come up with now!!!!!! I speak from the heart. I never make drafts. Its like when im at an AA meeting. I sit and listen and think “dont call my name, dont call my name,” Ofcourse they call my name almost each time. I always end up speaking. It just flows out!

Thanks for being here and not leaving ❤

 

My 8th Sober Month Check-In

Well folks I just passed the 8 month sober mark! WOOHOO! I realize I am still new in sobriety, however, it feels great to be able to tell people that I have this length of time. Its sort of like a relationship! The first month dating someone new, you hit one month and you think “Well, okay, this guy/gal is kind of cool, lets see where this goes!” Then, you hit three months and you think “Okay this is great! He/she is totally awesome lets make it official!” Six months comes along and by now you have seen a few character flaws in each other that you are trying to sort through. But, you are happy and content and you know working through it will be worth it!

My first month sober was great, I felt positive and more determined than any of the other times I had tried to stop drinking. Within that first month I knew I could make it past thirty days. I was going to a meeting a day, and really hooked in well with the program. When month three hit, I was so proud of myself for making it ninety days. Part of me couldn’t believe it, but here I was sober for ninety days and I wasn’t craving a drink! However between month three and month six is when I realized that I had been on a pink cloud. I was happy, excited, proud and determined. But coming close to six months is when I started doing step work with my sponsor. We got down to the nitty gritty details of my past and a lot came up that I was holding in. This, I did not like! This is why I drank for years! I don’t like feeling these feelings of hurt & despair. But, I stuck it through. I trusted my sponsor when she told me “Just wait, the promises do come.” I continued to do the work, and I was extremely emotional through the process. I didn’t go out and socialize with friends because I felt like I didn’t fit in anymore. I felt like I was boring and I had no idea what I would have talked about in a crowd of people. What happened to me? I used to be a social butterfly. My friends and family used to laugh at me because I never shut up! I was the chatter box of the group! What happened? Well, its clear now what happened! Alcohol crept up on me. The fun times stopped, but the drinking continued. Twenty years of heartache was beginning to boil to the surface so I drank even more to keep it bottled down.

After I had finished the steps with my sponsor I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I was shocked that doing a set of steps actually worked and helped me feel better. Its a miracle! I felt calm and peaceful without any alcohol in my system or prescription drug from my doctor. I have never been a calm person! That damn fucking squirrel inside my head never stopped, even when I was a small child. That is when I had my spiritual awakening. I have always believed in a higher power, but this is when I knew he was there by my side all the time. This is when I knew I was going to be okay. I never knew what inner peace felt like, for thirty years I was living in constant worry and fear. All those years of build up came out one day in tears. I sobbed for almost an hour to my boyfriend. He held me and just listened. I couldn’t stop crying! Physically could not stop. I almost felt embarrassed but I surrendered and just let the tears flow. It was therapeutic and I was releasing a lot of buried emotions. I will never forget this day.

So now im in my eighth month of sobriety. I also just celebrated my thirty first birthday. After dinner a group of us went back to my brother in laws place. Everyone grabbed drinks. The music went on and I realized that the evening was turning into a house party. But while I scanned the room and saw everyone enjoying themselves on my birthday, I realized that It wasn’t the type of party that I remember. No one was falling over, no one was fighting, and no one was passing out at the table. Is this how normies drink? I was almost shocked because there was no way that I could sit there and sip on a drink. And whats this about only having a couple drinks and then switching to water? Really? People can do that? HA! Wow, I am truly an alcoholic. My boyfriend came over to me and whispered to me “Are you okay?” I looked at him and with 100% honesty I told him yes, I am more than fine! I am not bothered with the drinking at all! I don’t feel left out, and Im having a great time chatting with my friends!  I also realized that this birthday was the biggest turn out for guests that I have ever had. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that they know I wont be hammered and passed out by nine o clock?! All these people came for me. The real me. The sober me.  I don’t have to mask who I am anymore. I no longer have to hide because of insecurities. I am realizing that people liked me more than I had liked myself. I am so grateful for my sobriety and everything that I am learning about myself. I am starting to be the old me again, but this version is new and improved!

So as I head closer to the one year mark in my relationship with sobriety, I am loving it.  Not every day is wonderful but I am happy. I am happy taking it one day at a time.

Love, The Alcoholic Me

I’ve been an alcoholic for years. I’ve lied, and I’ve shut my family out because of this disease. I was not the real me for a long time and they suffered because of it.Yet somehow they hung on because they love me.
– Wait, someone loves me that much and hasnt given up??  
– I  didnt believe this for a long time. There were moments that i was so deep into my disease that i convinced myself that even if my boyfriend had left me, I would be okay. But that was the disease; the poison masking my real feelings and fears. I was subconsciously sabotaging my happiness because I didnt believe i deserved it.
– And there you have it. The root of my problems. I dont believe i deserve happiness.
The root of a lot of peoples problems,  I just chose alcohol to “cope” with it.
The difference between someone like me, and a normal person who drinks when they are sad or depressed, is the fact that I cant stop at one or two drinks and put it away. I cant even stop at one sip. A normal person can crack open a beer or pour a glass of wine at the end of a hard day, feel better and move on.
I cant do that.
I have relapsed, I have lied, I have hurt those i love. This disease makes you think you can handle it, keep it under control, & the others are paranoid stress cases!
– No, that’s the disease talking. The devil feeding us a tempting poison that we should not have because we react to it in such a different way than a normal person. A physical allergy that is fueled by a mental obsession. 
 
The question some may be asking –  how it is different this time around?
My answer is quite simple. 
I have come to a peaceful state of mind in which i fully accept that I am an alcoholic and I will always be an alcoholic. I am no longer ashamed to admit this, and I no longer lie to myself. I feel an inner calmness inside me. It is my spiritual awakening. The last time i relapsed, I layed in my bed alone; sad, scared and ashamed that my family was so disappointed.
I prayed.
For the first time I prayed without desperation. No tears fell to my cheeks, perhaps he had wiped them away. I prayed from my heart, not from my distorted diseased thoughts. I asked him to keep me safe while i slept that first sober night & if i woke, I will follow him. I finally accepted that I cannot do this on my own. My way was not working. 
Of course it may take time for some to believe this. But my behavior and actions will soon match my words. 
I am doing this for me. I am not sober today to please others, I am sober today because i deserve happiness. 
 
Love, The Alcoholic Me

My 30th SOBER Birthday

Ahhhhh turning the big 3-0. Its a milestone! Its a big one! Time to get crazy and wild, right?!

Not….for me anyways.

I had always pictured my 30th birthday party being a huge event with all my friends and family. Vegas? House party? Maybe a hotel! However what it actually turned out to be, was even better. Sober! – Because lets face it, if I was still drinking the only people celebrating in Vegas would have been the people who came with me, because I would have been passed out in the hotel room, awaking the next morning feeling like complete shit along extreme humiliation and guilt.

I will admit that  it was a bit odd at first. Here i was in the bathroom putting on my makeup, trying to decide what to wear to dinner. This would have been the time of the evening when i poured my first drink and sipped it (okay fine lets be real, sipping aka gulping) while getting all beautified. Did it make me feel prettier? More confident? Less anxious? Yes to all three. To my surprise, when i was done getting ready, i looked at myself in the mirror, and for the first time in a long time, i was pleased with what i saw. I was not looking through foggy eyes nor was i feeling a false sense of confidence heightened by alcohol. I was 100% sober, and i was very pleased. This, is a huge milestone to say the least. It has been 10 years since I could say i was satisfied with the way i looked……and i was sober. ( and so the selfies began! #selfie holla! LOL )

My parents got a beautiful table at a nice restaurant that had a fire pit in the middle of the table. For a moment, i was in Vegas! My best friend was there, my boyfriend, my twin sons & his son. Our three boys are all the same age, and we put them in dress clothes with ties! They were so cute! My sons brought me a present and they were so excited to give it to me. They picked out the gift bag together, the card and even picked out the purple tissue paper! They had picked out pearls! ( Okay i had to fake a big huge smile because i dont wear pearls ) I kissed them both and said, ” Thank you so much i love them! You both made my birthday the best birthday ever! ” And the smile on each of their faces was priceless. The effort and thought they put into surprising mommy was the best gift ever. I now understand why my mom always looked so happy when my sister & i would give her homemade gifts, or gifts we picked out that weren’t on her list. Our childrens love is so unconditional and pure, looking at their smiles, melted my heart and even brings tears to my eyes to this moment. I am so lucky to have been blessed with two sons. Twins! And i will wear the pearls when i take them out on our next dinner date i told them! They jumped up and down with excitement! ~ And you know what…when i put the pearls on, they actually look pretty good!

Our three boys had begged the waitress to get me cake for my birthday. Without my knowledge they had this planned the entire evening during dinner. I thought they were just flirting with the waitress ( believe me, they are only 7 but they do flirt! ) At the end of the dinner, they came around and handed me a single white rose and a piece of cake, along with a card signed by all three boys, and everyone sang me happy birthday. I felt so special, and those three special gentlemen got a very special kiss from me!

Turning 30 was definitely a different experience than i had ever imagined. I am so grateful and content. I will always be able to look back and remember every detail, my mom and dad, my best friend, my boys’ thoughtful effort and endearing smiles, and the love of my life who has been by my side this whole time. My life is changing, and I am excited! The sun is starting to peak through the stormy clouds and I can now see that everything will be okay. I just have to hold on to faith ~ For all is through him.

Celebrating really can be fun while celebrating sober.

xo

Flippin the bird to Addiction

Alright…i needed to post again. I feel a rush of positive energy today and I need to let it out!

This past week has been a struggle for me. I have been in a slump. Other than going to work, my ass has been planted on my couch where I have been hibernating away from the world. This is not uncommon unfortunately. I tend to do this from time to time. Its my depressed state of mind that makes me feel that I am better off alone so the rest of my family or friends don’t have to be around a negative Nancy. But that is totally messed up! My close friends and family always make me feel better so why in the world do i shut people out? This is a repetitive cycle that i have to break. I need to break it! I am so pissed off with the way my brain is wired! So instead of me sitting my ass on my couch watching lame reality TV (okay its entertaining as hell to see celebrities making an ass of themselves..makes me feel a bit better about my own life……is this wrong?) I intend to get out of this slump and keep moving forward. All i have to do is continue to come out of my comfort zone, meet with family and friends, keep writing my feelings & do things that make me happy. That’s right…there are things that make me happy! I shall make a list!

Dear addiction, you have kept me caged away for too long. I intend to break free and I will succeed. So today while I am feeling a positive burst of energy, i say to you….F*** YOU!

 

That is all.