What Marriage Really is

Growing up we think marriage will be what we see in movies or read about in books. But they don’t tell the entire story.

Marriage is more than lovey dovey, rainbows and sunshine.

Marriage is two individuals making the choice to live alongside eachother for the rest of their lives.

They choose to say goodbye to single life, goodbye to temptation, goodbye to selfishness.

They choose to love eachother, and promise this in front of god & their family and friends.

There are fights, tears, mean words said, sadness, sickness, death, money troubles, job losses, insecurities, parenting struggles, and more.

But with all of that, at the end of the day you still have your best friend who isn’t going anywhere. You have the security of knowing that they’ll be by your side no matter what side they see. The good, the bad and sometimes the ugly.

You don’t make eachother change, but you make the changes necessary to evolve yourself as well as your relationship.

You forgive eachother more than any other person.

You can be your true self, tell your secrets, and trust that person will always have your back.

You are each others bestest friends.

Never forget WHY you started dating & never forget that special day you got married.

Life gets busy, we sometimes take eachother for granted, but stop and remember that special day you both had.

Because marriage and love is a choice you make every day you wake up. And to know that you have someone who makes that daily choice for you, as you do for them, is beautiful.

Happy 3rd wedding anniversary to my husband Jon Loewen ❤️ my best friend


Everything happens.

Some things are unexplainable. No matter how hard you try, there is no reason why something happened. This came to me after I lost my son December 31 2020 at 20 weeks of pregnancy. Leaving the hospital without my son, I wondered why? WHY? I couldn’t figure it out. I have strong faith in God and I don’t believe, nor ever have, for one second that he took my son to punish me or to be cruel. But I couldn’t think of any reason this happened. Which contradicted everything I had believed up to that point in my life. For 36 years I had believed that “Everything happens for a reason”

But I don’t think so anymore. Things happen. They just do. Bad things happen. It’s easier to blame others or someone else than it is to accept it. Acceptance is the hardest, yet healthiest answer. Instead of focusing on the “why”, I let it go and accepted it. Ofcourse this took me awhile to do, but if I had focused on “why” I would’ve drove myself crazy, my mental & emotional health would’ve deteriorated worse than it already was after losing a child, and because I’m an alcoholic I would’ve drank. And trust me, if I drink again I wouldn’t have the life I have today. I’d lose it all. Because I’m not the type to drink for one night and stop. I’d keep drinking, possibly worse than I had before because without accepting this I would’ve driven myself to blame myself and/or God and punish myself with losing everything good in my life by drinking. After close to 7 years of sobriety I cannot allow myself to go down that road.
While in the hospital waiting to give birth, I immediately resented the fact that I couldn’t numb out my pain with alcohol when I went home. I thought “damn, I have to feel this.” But I made the choice to stay sober. I took it a day at a time. A lot of tears, isolation, sadness & prayer. I started counselling to help me work through my grief & understand what grief really looks like. I’ll never be over losing my son. I think of him every time I see a baby. Every time I look at my other children. I have his urn on my dresser that I see every time I open my eyes. But grief doesn’t have to completely destroy me which in turn will have me destroy my entire family. I have chosen to stay sober through the worst time of my entire life, and I am so grateful. If there is anything that I have learned, it’s to be more present in the moment with family. Let the small things go, & be grateful for every breath you share.

I chose not to hold my stillborn baby

I’ve spent a few weeks wanting to write about this but I couldn’t figure out how to begin. So, I’m starting how I’ve started all my other posts. Fingers to keyboard and I wing it.

On December 30, 2020 I went for my routine 20 week ultrasound. This was my 4th baby, 3rd pregnancy. My other pregnancies were healthy with no issues whatsoever. This time around I had a ton of anxiety from the beginning. I had no idea why, but I tried my best to be calm. I laid down for my exam the same way I had before; needing to pee! The technician was very nice and as usual, I was talking away trying to pass the time. My husband was not allowed in the room because of Covid, so I was alone with my anticipation. Was it a boy or girl? Unfortunately we didn’t get that far. Half way through, the technician stopped and told me, “There is something I am not able to measure, I need to talk to the supervising technician and ill be right back.” So I was left laying there with absolutely no clue what was going on. My heart started racing and all I could do was lay there and wait. She came back in and told me that I had to go call my doctor in 1 hour, and she was unable to complete the exam or tell me anymore information. I start crying. Sobbing with panic is a better way to describe it. I left the building, sobbing under my face mask, with every pregnant woman watching me with horror. I got into my van & called my husband to tell him what happened. Afterwards I tried calling my doctors office but the phone lines were busy. There was no way that I was going to go home and wait around. So, I drove to my doctors office & walked in without an appointment balling my eyes out. I told the girl at the front desk what happened and pleaded with her to help me. Thankfully my doctor was still in the office, and they took me to a room right away. Still sobbing, my doctor walks in with a look of “wtf happened?” I tell him exactly what happened and he said he would go call for the results and be right back. I sat there in complete & utter panic. My thoughts were traveling a mile a minute. If the baby was handicapped in some way, so be it! If my baby was missing a limb, okay then! I didn’t care! I just wanted my baby to be okay. I prayed to God. I remember exactly what I said to him.

“God, whatever happens I know that ill get through it with you.”

My doctor came back in, and stood at the door. I will never forget the look on his face. “Oh Amanda, I’m so sorry. The baby died.”

I think this is the first time in my entire life when my heart actually stopped beating. There are no words in the English language to describe this moment properly. I broke down in utter despair, yelling “no!” He sat down in front of me and kept saying how sorry he was. “How? Why? When?” I was asking. Roughly 10 days prior, our baby passed away and I had no idea. I started to call my husband, but I was sobbing so badly that my doctor took my phone and offered to tell him for me.

I had to sit there without my husband. I had to drive home alone. During the drive home, my mind was silent. The news was not processing very well. I opened the front door to my husband who was waiting for me. We embraced and he broke down. 30 minutes later we were at the hospital checking into the maternity ward. They were waiting for my arrival to start the induction process. I was that mother. That woman who comes to the hospital to have a baby, and leave without one. I felt like it was all a dream. I had to give birth to my baby, and immediately start making cremation plans. How is this fair to anyone? Why did this happen? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I kept forgetting my prenatal vitamins? Did I eat something bad? Was it stress that I had dealt with? The doctor assured me there was nothing that I did to cause this. There was absolutely nothing that could have prevented this from happening.

The doctor and nurse kept asking us if we wanted to see the baby once he was born. My husband said yes right away. He lost a son before we met and he never got to see him, so I could understand his answer. For myself, I was not sure. What do other mothers do? What if I choose not to, will I be considered a bad mother? All I kept imagining is me holding him and not being able to give him up. How could I hold my baby and not bring him home? I knew myself. This would break me. Shatter me. So, while already judging my decision, I chose not to see our baby. Even as I type this confession knowing people will read this, I feel judged & I feel guilty.

On December 31st 2020 at 2:47am, our baby was born. He weighed 250 grams. The nurse took him and my husband went to hold him in a different room. When I overheard the nurse say it was a boy, I broke down. “I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! I told you! I told you!” I sobbed while my husband held me. Sobbing is an understatement. My little boy, Nicolas. Gone.

For the next 24 hrs I laid in my hospital bed contemplating whether or not I should change my mind, and hold him. I had an infection from carrying him for so many days after he passed away, so I had some time to sit and think. I was comparing myself to other mothers who have been through the same thing. But, I forced myself to stop. I had to decide for myself. I just couldn’t do it. I could not give him back. I’m not that strong. I knew it would literally shatter me and I had 3 other sons to go home to. I left the hospital without seeing him.

My husband took photos that he keeps on his phone. The staff took photos and put them in a box with keepsakes that they put together for us. As I write this, its been a month and a half and I have yet to look at it. I’m not sure when Ill be ready to see him. I guess I’m not ready for that level of pain yet.

There are millions of other parents who have gone through the same situation and I know some hold their baby, and even take photos together. But I cant help but wonder how many decided not to, like me. I judge myself for not being strong enough to hold him.

I do not blame God for this. I know its common for some people to blame God for things that go horribly wrong, but I don’t believe he took him away on purpose. This happened and we don’t know the reason. It simply just happened. So it has me thinking, maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Perhaps they just happen, and its up to us to move on with a lesson, or a blessing. In this case, we were blessed to have Nicolas for the brief time that we had. I immediately think about how incredibly blessed and grateful I am to have my other 3 sons. I feel as if I appreciate them all over again. I don’t want to miss a moment. I listen better, I put my phone down more, I get on the floor more with my toddler. I feel like I have fallen in love with my children all over again. Nicolas helped me do that.

When i think back about the anxiety that I had during those 5 months of pregnancy, I cant help but wonder if it was God trying to tell me something.

I must admit that I did think about drinking while laying in that hospital bed. As soon as I was discharged I thought a bottle would be justified. The alcoholic in me didn’t want to feel this pain. But, I’ve been sober now for 6.5 yrs so the tape played, and then the thought left my mind. I laid there angry & I resented anyone who could drink normal. I cant. I have to feel every inch of this heartache. I cant numb it with anything. That downright sucks.

But I’m feeling, and I’m feeling everything sober. Some days, one hour at a time. I’m not sure how I will feel tomorrow, but for today I choose not to drink. Drinking would eventually lead to me losing my sons, and since I just lost one, that is not a risk I want to take.

2300 days of saying NO

Yesterday I hit 2300 days sober! Not every day is easy. There are periods of time when I struggle mentally and my old way of coping was to drink. Today I remind myself that I’m an alcoholic and I can’t drink like the average person. I have to play the tape, and it reminds me that having just 1 would actually turn into the entire bottle for days and days on end. It won’t help how I’m feeling and it will only add to whatever situation that I am in. I would have to go through withdrawals all over again, the guilt, shame and remorse all over again, the obsession inside my mind, so what’s the point in taking that first sip ???? There is no point. Alcohol lost its magic a long time ago. The last few months have been stressful for me despite being happy about being pregnant. Life still goes on and we can’t change what happens to us but we can change how we deal with life. 2300 days that I have said no to alcohol. It’s a miracle because I was the type who couldn’t go 8 hrs without a drink. You can change, people do change and I’m not ashamed of my story!

Not so Twin anymore

Any parent with more than 1 child can relate to this poem about siblings growing up and hitting the teenage years. However, parents to twins experience this at a different level. It’s a strange and emotional time to watch your twins go from best buds to not wanting to be around eachother.

This is dedicated to my Twins, Brendan & Kaleb. I love you both so much. Always remember that your brothers and that means a forever friend no matter what! Xoxoxoxo

Gone are the days when they walked hand in hand, the couch cuddles & playing in the sand.

The long days of non stop games,
cars, batman, it was always the same.

A hospital visit for one, meant tears for the other. They could never be without eachother.

Gone are the days when they were so small,
they’ve grown up and so very tall!

Only an inch apart, there’s still a resemblance, but things are different now, they want some independence.

Separate rooms, separate classes & sometimes different friends. Sly remarks & name calling…honestly it never ends.

I know it wont always be this way, they’ll be best friends again, just not today!

Their bond is there, it’ll never leave.
The love is there, that I believe.

But gone are the days when they enjoyed being twins, and now we let the teen years begin.

But I will remember, the memories are not gone. They’ve been my babies all along.

Amanda Loewen

Not so Twin anymore

You’re the asshole, not them.

Needed to bring this one back up!

Mandy's Memoir

I didn’t think I was worthy enough to be happy, so why try?

Anger is a reaction, not a feeling. We do not feel angry, we act angry. Some of us scream, yell, cry, hit or throw. Quite often we calm down, either work the problem out or forget about it and sweep it under a rug for a later day. But do we actually ask ourselves WHAT made us react and HOW did we feel!? If we dont learn about our emotions and how to work through them, we will go through life angry, bitter, sad or depressed.

This is especially dangerous for alcoholics. We hate to feel. Our main problem is between the ears. Alcohol silenced those voices and calmed the nerves. Alcohol justified every feeling for me. If I was sad before I drank, I became a crying mess after a bottle or I became cocky and…

View original post 694 more words

Mind Blown Moment!

 I was trying to control my life and do things my way, because I had no control as a child, however what I was actually doing was self sabotaging and hurting myself because deep down I didn’t believe i deserved better.

I used to day dream as a little girl. I used to obsessively day dream about who I wanted to be. I wanted to be an actress, a teacher, a lawyer, a gymnast, a writer. I had my oscar speech written out, I started writing short stories and poems at age 8 and I would practice gymnastics on a beam of wood my dad picked up for me. I had a wild imagination and it never slowed down! But it did slow down. It eventually stopped. I stopped dreaming of my future goals and started dwelling on the past turmoil and trauma. I started obsessing over my body image and controlling every aspect of my life. I had no control as a child being abused, so I was going to call the shots and I was going to be in charge. Little did I realize it wasnt in a healthy way. My coping skills were little to none and mostly involved alcohol or restricting myself from healthy choices. The mind is a powerful tool. I was trying to control my life and do things my way, because I had no control as a child, however what I was actually doing was self sabotaging and hurting myself because deep down I didn’t believe i deserved better. How fucked is that? That one took me until I was 30 years old and going through the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous to figure that out. It baffles me to this day!!!! I had never dealt with my past, so when life triggered me, I reacted the only way I knew how. To continue the abuse….but on myself!!!!!!!!


Maybe I need Dr Phil to explain this one. But all i know is that i am so incredibly grateful that i finally dealt with my past. It was by far the hardest thing ive ever had to do. It was ugly, it was gut wrenching, I bitched, I cried. But then, the light emerged from the darkness! I had the AHHH HA!!!! moment!

I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME AS A CHILD OR ADOLESCENT. But, it is my responsibility to DEAL with it in a healthy way so I DON’T REPEAT THE BEHAVIOR AGAINST MYSELF OR OTHERS. Its MY responsibility to stop letting it run my life in a negative way.

We all have shit happen to us. Some have it way worse. But it’s not about who has had the harder life or the more pain and suffering. It comes down to the fact that we all have the power to shift that pain into something positive. Whatever that may look like for you. For myself, its sharing my story so I can give hope to others.

I could sit here for hours and write about each horrible thing that ever happened to me and how it kept me deep in the bottle drowning in sorrow. Or, I could tell you how every experience I’ve had has led me to the exact moment that I’m in right now. A great place in my life! I have gratitude today because I am a better person having come out the other side as a survivor and a recovering alcoholic.

Your pain can keep you down or your pain can be your power to do good!!!

And you know what? When that light emerged, so did my imagination and creativity. I became that little girl who dreamed again. I’ve been able to write again, I’ve succeeded at my business, I’m a great mother, I’m a wife, and I may not be actress or gymnast but I’m one hell of a woman!!!! ♡

2000 days sober!!!!!!

2000 days without a drop of alcohol or anything mind altering!
Get honest with yourself and others! You can do it, question is, do you want it? Do you think you’re worthy of sobriety? I find that it came down to the fact that I didnt feel worthy of my families forgiveness and I didnt believe I was worth happines and happiness sure as hell didn’t come with sobriety. So I thought………….

I started out as a “normal social drinker”. I even went to college and started working. However, the progression slowly increased. I drank for any reason. The good, the bad, the ugly. I ended up drinking alone, lieing to everyone about how bad it was. Pretending to be sober sometimes. Called into work “sick”. I ended up drinking before work in the morning to stop the shakes. Inside I knew. I knew it was a problem. I knew I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want to drink anymore but I couldn’t stop. I physically depended upon it. I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I didnt want to drink but I was scared to live sober. That’s a terrifying place to be in.
I was faced with losing my kids, so that was my last day drinking. My sobriety date is July 24 2014.
I have learned how to FEEL again. The good, the bad and the ugly. It’s not always fun, but it’s better than messing up my entire life and those around me! I have found ME again. A better version!!!!

I have learned FORGIVENESS. Which is a true miracle in itself considering I spent 30 yrs resenting people. I have found PEACE. Even through the chaos of life. I dont have 1 single reason to drink. It will solve nothing. Because 1 drink is never enough. I know that now, I accept it, I admit it. I am no longer ashamed! My journey has made me who I am today. I wouldn’t have done this much work on myself if I wasnt a recovering alcoholic!!! I’m proud and I wish happiness and health for everyone. No matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, or where you are now, you are worth happines!!!!!!!!!

My Last Lullaby

Go to sleep my baby,
Just close your eyes.
It’ll be alright,
I’ll see you at sunrise.

You’ll be nice and warm,
I’ll tuck you in tight.
So let your dreams take over,
All through the night.

I’ll hold you for awhile,
I dont want to let go.
You’re my last baby,
And soon you’ll grow!

You smell so sweet,
Your hands so small.
But you must sleep,
To grow big and tall!

Now you’re asleep,
I can hear you snore.
You’re my last baby,
So I’ll hold you some more.

Let me soak it all in,
Every cuddle, every kiss,
Cuz one day you’ll be grown
And my baby I’ll miss.

– For Jacob

You’re the asshole, not them.

I didn’t think I was worthy enough to be happy, so why try?

Anger is a reaction, not a feeling. We do not feel angry, we act angry. Some of us scream, yell, cry, hit or throw. Quite often we calm down, either work the problem out or forget about it and sweep it under a rug for a later day. But do we actually ask ourselves WHAT made us react and HOW did we feel!? If we dont learn about our emotions and how to work through them, we will go through life angry, bitter, sad or depressed.

This is especially dangerous for alcoholics. We hate to feel. Our main problem is between the ears. Alcohol silenced those voices and calmed the nerves. Alcohol justified every feeling for me. If I was sad before I drank, I became a crying mess after a bottle or I became cocky and angry telling myself its everyone else’s fault but mine. I spent the first 30 yrs of my life blaming everyone else. For every minute that I spent blaming others was a minute I wasted. I put so much energy into blaming others that when I did start to have the smallest realization that it was me who was wrong, I couldn’t handle the shame & guilt. So I drank to numb those feelings. It’s easier to point the finger at other people. Its classic deflection. One of the hardest things anyone has to do is work on their own shit that is causing complete and utter pain and suffering to those around them. No one wants to feel what that feels like. As an alcoholic I was always in that self pity state of mind which was heightened by drinking. By the end of my drinking career, alcohol wasnt even working! It was no longer numbing my feelings. It fueled them! Every feeling was worse and every thought was obsessive. I didnt want to drink, but I didnt want to be sober.

Becoming sober was a massive worldwind of emotions. I cried a lot during my first year. Its during my first 6 months that I discovered that a lot of my anger towards life actually came from fear. I wasn’t feeling angry, I was acting angry because I was feeling abandoned, lonely, heartbroken, depressed, scared and unworthy. I was feeling so many things at once and I didn’t know what to do with them so i put on this mask to protect myself from showing anyone my true feelings. If I was to show them my real feelings than I would have to talk about them. Talking about them means possibly working through them. For years that seemed impossible to do. So why try? All I knew was negativity, self pity and sadness. Anything else was foreign to me. So it was pointless to talk about my feelings.

Until someone told me they once felt the same as me. But how? I thought. They were happy. How is that possible?

By this time I was so desperate and I had no chances left with my family. So I listened to her. I slowly started noticing the similarities rather than focusing on the differences. Eventually it clicked, MAYBE I can learn how to be happy too. If this person could do it, MAYBE I can too.

So I had to write down my feelings. What happened, how did it make me feel, how did I react. What was my part in the situation.

Anyone can do this, you don’t have to be an alcoholic. You’ll start to see a pattern in your feelings.

Eventually you can determine what is triggering those bad feelings that cause you to react so angrily. I can guarantee that a lot of those triggers are from situations that you never worked through.

When you work on yourself more than pointing the finger at everyone else, you start to realize that you’re the asshole, not them. This was a huge moment for me in my sobriety journey. Lightbulb moment!! I WAS THAT ASSHOLE. I became someone I never wanted to be and I didn’t like myself.I cried. I cried and cried. It all came out. For nearly two hours I cried. I realized that I still had people who loved me despite everything that I put them through. They loved me regardless. They still believed I deserved to be happy. MAYBE THEY’RE RIGHT. Maybe I can learn to love myself and learn how to be happy. I didn’t want to pass on my negative, pessimistic traits to my children and have the cycle repeat. So the change began. I realized that I was the bitch. I was judgemental, pitiful, selfish and insecure. I masked it all thinking no one would know. But I was wrong. Many people can see right passed our bullshit. But you have to drop the act. Take off the mask. Most of our reactions have little to do with the situation and more to do with what the situation triggered inside us.

You deserve happiness.