Everything happens.

Some things are unexplainable. No matter how hard you try, there is no reason why something happened. This came to me after I lost my son December 31 2020 at 20 weeks of pregnancy. Leaving the hospital without my son, I wondered why? WHY? I couldn’t figure it out. I have strong faith in God and I don’t believe, nor ever have, for one second that he took my son to punish me or to be cruel. But I couldn’t think of any reason this happened. Which contradicted everything I had believed up to that point in my life. For 36 years I had believed that “Everything happens for a reason”

But I don’t think so anymore. Things happen. They just do. Bad things happen. It’s easier to blame others or someone else than it is to accept it. Acceptance is the hardest, yet healthiest answer. Instead of focusing on the “why”, I let it go and accepted it. Ofcourse this took me awhile to do, but if I had focused on “why” I would’ve drove myself crazy, my mental & emotional health would’ve deteriorated worse than it already was after losing a child, and because I’m an alcoholic I would’ve drank. And trust me, if I drink again I wouldn’t have the life I have today. I’d lose it all. Because I’m not the type to drink for one night and stop. I’d keep drinking, possibly worse than I had before because without accepting this I would’ve driven myself to blame myself and/or God and punish myself with losing everything good in my life by drinking. After close to 7 years of sobriety I cannot allow myself to go down that road.
While in the hospital waiting to give birth, I immediately resented the fact that I couldn’t numb out my pain with alcohol when I went home. I thought “damn, I have to feel this.” But I made the choice to stay sober. I took it a day at a time. A lot of tears, isolation, sadness & prayer. I started counselling to help me work through my grief & understand what grief really looks like. I’ll never be over losing my son. I think of him every time I see a baby. Every time I look at my other children. I have his urn on my dresser that I see every time I open my eyes. But grief doesn’t have to completely destroy me which in turn will have me destroy my entire family. I have chosen to stay sober through the worst time of my entire life, and I am so grateful. If there is anything that I have learned, it’s to be more present in the moment with family. Let the small things go, & be grateful for every breath you share.

2000 days sober!!!!!!

2000 days without a drop of alcohol or anything mind altering!
Get honest with yourself and others! You can do it, question is, do you want it? Do you think you’re worthy of sobriety? I find that it came down to the fact that I didnt feel worthy of my families forgiveness and I didnt believe I was worth happines and happiness sure as hell didn’t come with sobriety. So I thought………….

I started out as a “normal social drinker”. I even went to college and started working. However, the progression slowly increased. I drank for any reason. The good, the bad, the ugly. I ended up drinking alone, lieing to everyone about how bad it was. Pretending to be sober sometimes. Called into work “sick”. I ended up drinking before work in the morning to stop the shakes. Inside I knew. I knew it was a problem. I knew I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want to drink anymore but I couldn’t stop. I physically depended upon it. I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I didnt want to drink but I was scared to live sober. That’s a terrifying place to be in.
I was faced with losing my kids, so that was my last day drinking. My sobriety date is July 24 2014.
I have learned how to FEEL again. The good, the bad and the ugly. It’s not always fun, but it’s better than messing up my entire life and those around me! I have found ME again. A better version!!!!

I have learned FORGIVENESS. Which is a true miracle in itself considering I spent 30 yrs resenting people. I have found PEACE. Even through the chaos of life. I dont have 1 single reason to drink. It will solve nothing. Because 1 drink is never enough. I know that now, I accept it, I admit it. I am no longer ashamed! My journey has made me who I am today. I wouldn’t have done this much work on myself if I wasnt a recovering alcoholic!!! I’m proud and I wish happiness and health for everyone. No matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, or where you are now, you are worth happines!!!!!!!!!

Think before you Judge

Don’t assume their happiness is fake because you are in reality faking your own

If I’m judged (which I totally am) or unfriended on social media (happens a lot) for doing Younique, or sharing my happiness then i will pray for those people. As much as it bugs me, i must remember that I also was the type of person who was annoyed by happy, confident people. They pissed me off. It wasn’t until I got healthy mentally & spiritually that I realized that it’s way easier and better to lift other women up then to judge them.
Let’s be clear. My life isn’t perfect. I just don’t air my dirty laundry on social media. I share my family, my sobriety in hopes to help others, my animals and my business that helps so many women feel good about themselves inside and out. It provides for my family. I’m Christmas shopping this week because I made money working online.
So I guess God is showing me what I had once done to others. Judged them by their happiness, by their selfies and by their jobs. When in fact the real problem is within themselves just like it was inside me.

I used to make fun of women who worked the streets and now I have great friends who used to be those women. I have compassion for them today. I see them as women, individuals and not for what they used to be.

I used to judge alcoholics who drank everyday and smelled of booze. Who scrambled change to buy a can of beer. And I became an alcoholic myself. I became who I once judged.

I used to judge those who rushed into relationships and then I did it myself.

I could never understand how mothers or fathers could let themselves get to a point where they lose their children. Then it almost happened to me. It woke me up real quick! Now I understand. Addiction takes over. It doesn’t make us bad parents it made us sick parents.

I’m grateful God shows me these lessons because without them i would not learn.

Don’t judge others. Don’t assume you know their life. Don’t assume their happiness is fake because you are in reality faking your own. I speak these words because I’m speaking from experience. I’m no longer that person I have explained here today. When I come across people who hurt my feelings, I ponder over it way too long. Eventually I pray about it & slowly let it go.

We cannot expect the world to treat us how we want to be treated. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. All we can do is control how we react.

React with kindness not judgement. You never know when you will go through the same thing.

Don’t paint someone as weird or someone who you would never be friends with. God may cross your paths at some point and they may become your best friend or someone who comes into your life for a reason.

Don’t complain when it’s too hot and complain when it’s too cold. Don’t stress over not having money and then stress about paying bills when you do have money to pay them. Don’t complain about the cashier who wasn’t friendly. She may be working 3 jobs to feed her kids and she is exhausted. Don’t judge a parent who’s child is screaming, you have no idea if that child has disabilities that are not visible.

My rant is based on the fact that this world is taught to judge.

Why should we judge anyone when we aren’t perfect.

Perfection does not exist so why do we seek it.

God can judge me. And I’m completely comfortable with that today.

Sober 1600 days December 10th 2018

 

1400 Days Sober!

I woke up today 1400 days sober, or 46 months. HOLY SHIT. I am 2 months away from 4 years! Its a MIRACLE. Some people say celebrating or sharing this is gloating, or not being humble. I say to each their own. I personally decided to start sharing my story 1400 days ago for a few reasons.

First of all I tried keeping it a secret for far too long. It weighed on me, and I couldn’t do it anymore. If I am open about being an alcoholic than in a way it holds me accountable. Even if I wanted to drink, I cant. My sons know that I can no longer drink, my family, my friends, my recovery family, EVERYONE knows! I have way too many people who I would disappoint.

Second, I personally think its Gods plan for me to share my story. To plant seeds and hope that one seed blooms like it had for myself. Growing up I was always writing poetry, short stories and dreaming of becoming a writer. I just had no idea what to write about. I had writers block for years and then I got sober, started journaling again here, and BOOM….the words have spilled out. Could this be what I am meant to write about? To help others? I really believe it from the bottom of my heart.

Third, I am proud of every day that I wake up and go to bed sober. Why shouldn’t i be proud? I live around 5 liquor stores and I could literally go drink at any time If i wanted to. Listen, I used to be so ashamed of myself. I thought i was a piece of shit, the worst mother in the world and completely and utterly worthless. I am now PROUD to be an alcoholic. I have found myself through recovery where otherwise I would still be a lost soul. I will not apologize for celebrating my victories!

Trust me when I say that I am a true alcoholic. I never thought I was until it started progressing. I started waking up in the morning with the shakes. Deep down I knew, but the guilt, shame and anger was too much so I drank more. I started drinking in the morning to ease the shakes. I tried only drinking coolers or beer. I tried sticking to weekends or holidays. I would buy one small bottle of wine and promise myself thats all i would drink. I started hiding bottles. I would go to events or restaurants already buzzed and act like I was only starting to drink, to look normal. I would fake being sick so I could stay home and drink. I started drinking vodka and bringing it in my purse. I COULD NOT STOP and I was going down FAST. That did not make me a bad person. That made me a very sick, broken and sad woman who was in her own way crying out for help. I was holding on to 30 yrs of secrets, abuse, depression, anxiety, heart breaks, loss, and stress that I had no idea how to handle.

So when I celebrate a milestone? You better believe that I am proud of myself!

10 Things Ive Learned in Sobriety

The biggest things that I have learned over the past 3 years and 7 months in sobriety:

1. I now look at my side of the street. Even in those situations where I dont find myself at any fault, there is still something that I could do better. Even if that is letting something go.
2. Allow myself to feel. Before sobriety I would numb all my feelings. Happy, sad, angry, it didnt matter. Now, I allow myself to feel them. As much as they suck sometimes, I remind myself that one sip of alcohol will not make anything better.
3. Self first not selfish. A major moment in my early sobriety was learning that I had been a very selfish person my entire life. I had no idea! It broke me down entirely when I realized this. I didnt want to be that person anymore. It is hard learning how to know when you are being selfish or putting yourself first. I believe I still have my moments of selfishness but today I call myself out on it. I talk to my sponsor or a friend and ask their opinion. Today, i take time to be alone with myself. This helps me feel grounded, less overwhelmed with life and more relaxed. This also helps those around me, because they will have a better version of me! I have gone from not liking to be alone at all, to longing for it some days. Just because the drink is gone doesnt mean my mind stops racing. That squirrel is still going!
4. Judgement. Lets be honest here, everyone does it. EVERYONE. Its a quick instant thought that goes through our minds. The difference with a thought and actually being a judgmental person is what you do with that thought. I no longer let myself ponder the judgmental thought. I stop myself, and put myself in that persons shoes. I self discipline myself! It really works and I feel like I am more of an accepting person today because of this. Who am I to judge when I am not perfect either. People dont like what they dont understand, so try to understand! Have a conversation with yourself. Try to understand where that person you are judging is coming from. You will most likely end up experiencing something, or becoming friends with someone you once had judged. Funny how that works!
5. My way is wrong. I learned that the way i was thinking was mostly wrong! I had no idea how to cope with my feelings or how to sort out my thoughts. I acted on impulse and thats all I knew until sobriety. Now, i have learned that its my higher powers way, not mine. Lets face it, my way got me to my lowest point of my life! I now know how to cope with my feelings and make good decisions that will benefit myself and others instead of acting on irrational thoughts.
6. I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I spent 30 years thinking I was a loser and an emotional mess. I had no confidence and no self love. When i look back on my life so far I have overcome physical and emotional abuse, I have survived heartbreak more than once, I was able to start over as a single mother, I survived being dirt poor, I put myself through collage, I started a home based business (www.mandysbeautybar.com) and the biggest one yet is I GOT SOBER. So in moments of self pity, I remind myself of how far I have come.
7. Forgiveness. This was a big one for me. I didnt grow up in a family who knew how to forgive easily. This has taken me over 30 years to learn. To me, forgiveness would mean that what that person did to me was okay. I didnt want it to be okay and I didnt want to forget. What I have learned is forgiveness is for MYSELF. Its for me to LET GO and give it to God to deal with. We all get our judgement day and we all have to live with the shit we have done wrong.  So why carry it around when I cannot change what happened. I give it to god to deal with one day, and I let it go. Sometimes this takes me months, but eventually I let it go. This has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my entire life. I have actually been able to forgive people who I never in a thousand years thought I would be able to.
8. Self Love. I cannot sit and tell you that I think im the bomb.com and im the most beautiful woman in the world because i would be lieing. But, I have learned to like myself today. That is a big turn around for me. When i removed those foggy glasses I started seeing myself for who I was. I was imperfect which is okay because we all are! I am extremely caring and compassionate, honest, funny, accepting, hard working, ambitious and a good mother! I have many faults, but they dont define who I am because im a work in progress! PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!
9. Im worth it. I am at a place in my life that I believe that im worth happiness. Happiness did not exist in my childhood and therefore happiness was foreign to me. Everyone who I met who was a truly happy person I believed they were fake. 3 years and 7 months ago i met a room full of happy people who were alcoholics like me. It completely changed my belief. So i started doing what they did to get sober and stay sober. Its working! And i am worth happiness, love and peace. And so are you!
10. Acceptance. This is by far the hardest thing in life for a lot of people. To accept the things you cannot change, wow, very hard! Some days I find myself saying the Serenity Prayer multiple times. It works! Why stress or get angry over things that you have no ability to change. Its a waste of energy. I also fully accept that I am an alcoholic. I used to be ashamed and didnt want anyone to know. I now fully embrace it, I dont care who knows because i am no longer ashamed or embarrassed. I look at it as a strength because I have worked my ass off to stay sober! Just because im an alcoholic doesnt mean that I am a horrible person. I am an alcoholic and I always will be until the day I die. I cannot have one sip because my body instantly becomes addicted and my mind and body crave more and i lose the ability to control it. I am okay with that today. Being an alcoholic doesnt define who I am, its simply a part of me.

How I’m Still Sober

In a recent meeting, I was asked to share. Its my home group so they ask me a lot. I always share! Even when I don’t want to, I still try to give some of my experience, strength and hope. That particular night I wasn’t feeling it. I drew a blank. So i politely said, “My name is Amanda and I’m an Alcoholic, i would just like to listen tonight, thank you for asking me.” Well holy shit I’ve never had so many eyes looking at me at once before. So i said, “Okay…….or maybe I will share?” Everyone laughed. I took it as a sign from God saying, “Amanda! Someone in this room needs to hear you!”

What I ended up speaking about was actually really important and I had some friends come to me after thanking me for sharing. Sometimes the words are so scrambled in my brain I have no idea how they sound when they come out. You see, my brain works extremely negative. Its wired to think bad, make big assumptions and play a pity party. I believe this is a product of my environment from birth to 30 yrs old. I dont blame anyone now, but its a simple fact that we are a product of our environment. I didn’t have the tools to cope. I had no self esteem or confidence, and I didn’t believe anything good would ever happen to me.

It wasn’t until i got sober in July 2014, that my thinking started to change. Up until that point, I had no idea that the problem wasn’t the drink. It was between my two ears. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, an allergy of the body and a spiritual malady. When i heard this, my mind was blown. However, i still didn’t believe anything could ever help me. All I knew was that the one thing that helped me for so long, no longer worked. The bottle used to be my best friend, my therapy, my confidence, and my courage. But after 8 years of drinking, my last 2 years became completely unmanageable. I didn’t believe I could live without it. For something that once made me happy, had become my worst enemy. I was restless, irritable and discontent, even during my sober moments. It sounds a lot like a toxic relationship and in a way it was. The bottle was this manipulative, two faced boyfriend that I needed to break up with but I was so weak, I couldn’t. My life had never been full of roses and butterflies. It had been dark, gloomy and miserable with periods of sunshine that was quickly followed with overcast. For someone who never saw much sun, it was easy to believe it would always be stormy. The drink was my umbrella for many years. But the umbrella started to break. It wasn’t working anymore. I was standing in what seemed to be a sea of unbearable pain and I no longer had anything that was protecting me.

When i started going to meetings, I started listening to others speak. Sitting there angry, mad and depressed that I even had to walk in those doors. But i listened. I realized there were so many others like me. I had no idea the woman with the pretty makeup who looked like she had the best life was actually a recovering alcoholic. I was shocked to see a man who owned his own business and wore a suit by day, was an alcoholic. My perception of an alcoholic were the ones who walked around looking for cans to get some change for a single beer. Or the alcoholic father who abandoned his two daughters, like mine had done. I had no idea that a single mother that held jobs down and paid the bills was an alcoholic; I had no idea that I was the exact same as these people until I listened. My eyes were open. My ears were listening. My heart began to thaw. It had been frozen for so many years. I realized there were many types of alcoholics, of all ages, races and backgrounds. I realized that I was one of them. This is when I finally accepted it. I looked at these people around the room and I didn’t look at them as losers. I actually really respected them. So if they arent losers, than I cant be either. If millions of people have beat this disease then maybe I can too. But i quickly learned that its a lot more work than just putting down the drink. I had to begin doing the work.

With the help of the 12 steps, I was able to forgive people in my past that I never thought I could forgive. Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is not to let them feel better and wipe the slate clean. Its for ourselves. Its a choice we make not to hold on to the pain anymore. We give it to God to deal with! What those people did to you still matters. Your feelings are still valid! But make the choice not to hold on to it anymore. They will have their judgement day as we will have ours. So dont hold on to their shit anymore! GIVE IT TO GOD. Also, forgive yourself!!! Things you’ve done wrong were done most likely because you were not in the right frame of mind. I wouldn’t have hurt those I loved if I wasn’t sick. Thats right; I was sick. I didn’t know there was a solution. Alcohol was my solution. Now i know there is a different way. So i have to forgive myself! I was also able to realize that i had been living in a spiritual malady for 30 years. My thinking was completely messed up. I could not live the happy life that I wanted if i was to continue thinking negative. I began focusing on my assets and working through my defects. Its important to realize that no one is perfect. Sorry to tell you, but you arent either! You arent unique and you will never be the perfect one. Strive for progress not perfection. I am a firm believer in gratitude. I practice gratitude every single day. It helps me stay positive and maintain my spiritual health. I am grateful when it rains at night because I can hear the rain drops while I fall asleep. For so many years I couldn’t hear them because I was passed out drunk. I am grateful to be able to drive home after a night out, wash my face and get into bed. I’m grateful for my sons chatting to me non stop about their drama with their friends in the 4th grade because If i was still drinking I wouldn’t have cared to listen. I’m happy that my sister can call me with her problems because I can now be there to support her. If i was still drinking I would never have gotten a phone call. I’m grateful to go to work and not worry if someone can smell the alcohol on me from the night before. Today I am not a loner. I do not hibernate in my dark living room. I have friends, family and love today! I receive messages from people asking for help! I AM GRATEFUL FOR LIFE TODAY.

I have chosen to be open about my recovery for one reason. To end the stigma! We are NOT hopeless. We are NOT awful people. We have a sickness that involves underlying issues that must be worked out in order to heal. The fact that we have desire to overcome this is strength!!!! WE CAN RECOVER! Addiction does not have to be a death sentence. Its possible to recover and live to tell your story. I love to tell mine because If i can give hope to one person struggling, than everything I’ve gone through is worth it!

I must maintain these things on a daily basis. Its crucial to my recovery. Its like a car. You must do the maintenance in order for your car to run properly.

Acceptance. Forgiveness. Spiritual Health. Gratitude. Help Others.

I’m happy to say that I will be sober 3 years on July 24th 2017.

 

My story did not involve a bottle

The shampoo bottle was my microphone. The mirror was my audience. As a little girl all I ever wanted was to have an audience to hear what was inside my head. Afterall, I have always been an active thinker & dreamer. I had so many ideas to share. So many questions to ask. An old soul for a young girl. These dreams kept me busy. My mind was distracted instead of focusing on my reality. Abuse. Every damn day, screaming & yelling. Name calling. Negativity. Even the belt. I began writing. I wrote stories and I even kept a diary from the time I was only 8 years old. For some they read to escape reality. I wrote.

Eventually my dream of becoming a motivational speaker or published author was a thing of the past. The drink won. The more I drank, the longer I went without writing. “Writers block” I called it. HA! Right. How could I write when i was numbing all my feelings and allowing my thoughts to go fuzzy? Piece by piece the papers were crumbled and the wine was poured.

When I was a little girl I didnt know why I had a passion for writing and speaking my mind. All i knew is that i had something to say and I had no idea what that was. Perhaps I was meant to become an alcoholic so that I could share my story and help others through what has been my passion from the beginning. The bottle was not in my original story. And it definitely is not the end.

Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt. I am experiencing this mom guilt thing to the extreme.

As moms, we must discipline (or at least i hope you do!). We are responsible for the worlds next generation! A little back story – I was raised with strict rules, and manners were highly enforced. My grandfather was the king of proper grammar & mannerisms. Every time he heard one of us say the word, “Um” he would look at us with a confused look and say, “Is um in the dictionary?” It sounds harsh, but his intentions were to teach us proper communication so when we grew up, we would have better chances at employment and success. It makes complete sense to me now. Since my mother was raised this way, my sister & I were as well, with the influence of my gramps. I am not tooting my own horn…..ok I totally am! – but we are extremely well mannered. My sister and I raise our sons this way. From an early age, we have enforced good table manners, please and thank you’s, and the list goes on. We have very well behaved boys in our family. However, no one is perfect (including us parents) and all kids need a bit of discipline. I am NOT talking about spanking! I simply mean taking away electronics, time outs, a good stern lecture every once in awhile lol, that sort of thing. They need direction & they need to know there are rules and consequences to their actions. These are lessons they will take with them for the rest of their lives. And I HATE it. I hate doing it. I wish I could let them do whatever they want whenever they want just to see them happy. But, I know that is not for their own good. I am a mother first before I am their friend. I have been a single parent for 7 years now. Their dad is active in their lives & they have a step mother who his wonderful, and a half brother. They spend time with them every other weekend & once in awhile a bit more. But day to day, for 2 weeks at a time, its just me. IT IS HARD. I have no one to ask to help me out or ask if what I am doing is the right thing. My time is spent mentoring, teaching, guiding, disciplining, scheduling, cooking, cleaning, the list goes on. I want to have fun with them. I love when they are happy and smiling. Some days, I feel like Im the worst mom in the world because the day was not 100% full of rainbows and gumdrops. However logically, making sure my kids are in line, is part of being a good mom! But I have to share my children. When they go to their dads for 2 nights….Are they happy to be away from me if we didn’t have the best week? Did we have a lot of fun together & go to a lot of activities? Am i doing this right? Are they happy? This is what goes through my mind every other Friday when i drop them off. Complete mom guilt.

I am pretty sure a lot of moms can relate to me. I am also sure my mom guilt is severe because I feel like I owe them from all those years I chose the bottle over them. Yes, I was still present and I was an active mother. They have always lived with me. But, our activities and daily routines would involve me having a drink at some point. And near the end of my drinking career it was all I wanted to do. Now that I am 2 years sober, I am still feeling like I have to make up for those evenings we didn’t go out because i wanted to have some wine.

My sons are the greatest gifts God has ever given me. I want my sons to have a happier childhood than I did & a happy life. They are a part of me, and all I want is for them to be better versions of myself. They are so innocent & deserve the most happiness.

Perhaps I haven’t forgiven myself.

 

2 years Sober

 

Today marks my 2 year birthday. 731 days without a drop!!!!

 

Instant Love at First Drink

When i think about my journey through alcoholism, I am stunned sometimes to think I have gone through so much shit and I am only 32 years old. Like, I am an alcoholic and age 32? What the hell! How did this happen?

Well, I was predisposed as an alcoholic because i come from a long line of them! My biological father (sperm donor more like it) is a huge alcoholic and his father was one, and his father before him. Basically, addiction is in my blood. I grew up with my mom always telling me to be careful when i grow up and drink. She was very honest about why. I never once thought I had inherited the disease. I never realized that my  unresolved resentment, anger and sadness would be a contributing factor to my alcoholism. Those feelings are what got me started! That first drink was AMAZING! I felt so numb. That fuzzy feeling came over me and it was an instant love at first drink!  I felt pretty all of a sudden, desirable, I felt like i was somebody who was fitting in with the crowd, i felt courage to talk to guys, and girls who I was otherwise intimidated by! It transformed all of my insecurities. I was the girl I had only dreamed of being.

During my teens my drinking was “normal experimentation”. I was not addicted, or was I? I could go weeks without it. However, i had no choice because i couldn’t buy it on my own! And when I did have it? I couldn’t stop drinking it. I couldn’t put it down after 1 drink. I was the girl drinking beside the guys and holding it down like them! And the hangovers? Oh-my-GOD. I can count many times my mom found me in the bathroom passed out around the toilet. “AMANDA MARIE!” Oh shit – the middle name! But the hangovers passed. And i chased the feeling i got after ONE SIP. The instant love at first drink. The warm fuzzy UNSTOPPABLE feeling like i was on top of the world. I was confident! I was happy and fun!

And then I turned 19. I didn’t stop drinking from that day on. But, i held a job, i went to college, i passed with honors, and I managed my life. So, to the outside it appeared as if it was normal drinking for my age. I secretly knew i was an alcoholic when i started sneaking a bottle of wine into my bedroom and staying in there all evening and all night. But, i didn’t want to admit it. I did not want to live without it. It made me feel ALIVE.

Three years later i got pregnant! I bought a bottle of wine and a pregnancy test at the same time. Negative? Ill drink! But….it was positive! The next 9 months was the first time i had been sober for that length of time since i was 15 years old. I was happy, and I was the Amanda I had thought i could only be with a drink! I thought….I AM CURED! It was just a phase!!!!!! Oh i was so happy that I was not following in the footsteps of my deadbeat alcoholic father. But, a few months after my twins were born, i had a drink. Oh-my-GOD it was instant love at first drink again. Pure bliss. All the stress of being a new mom, the stress of my relationship, the insecurities with my body after giving birth, all of it went away. Nothing else ever took the emotional pain away this fast. I thought I could handle it since i went so long without it.

Two years later when i became a single parent, the bottle become more like my best friend. It was always there to console the pain I was in after my relationship with the father of my sons, failed. It was the only thing that I could count on to take the pain away. I held a job, my sons were fed, and taken care of. I managed things just fine. For awhile.

Like a snowball, my life started becoming more unmanageable. I was miserable. The instant love at first drink was gone! GONE! I didn’t enjoy it anymore! My body was shutting down! I had the shakes! Oh-my-GOD i was physically dependent on it! Even the nights i didn’t want to drink i had to. I didn’t tell anyone how bad it was. I couldn’t. I was an absolute failure at life. I was the loser i had always thought i had been.

My  unresolved resentment, anger and sadness had never been dealt with! All of these years i had been stuffing it down to the core of my soul where it sat and now, i was going to burst. Physically I felt like i was dying every day. Emotionally I was at my rock bottom. Spiritually I was lost and had been disconnected for a very long time.

Alcoholism is more than just taking a drink too many. It involves a spiritual malady, a mental obsession  and a physical allergy. I COULD NOT put down the drink once the poison was inside my body. I was 100% obsessed with drinking from the time i first tried it and fell in love. And, I had always been suffering from a spiritual malady. My alcoholism began before I took a drink for the first time at 15. I have always been an alcoholic, from the moment i was born.

 

AND IM OKAY WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I accept it today. I am NOT a loser! I am AWESOME! And only sobriety has helped me realize that! Completing the 12 steps helped me get rid of a lifes worth of pain, resentment and anger so i could be FREE. And the obsession? GONE!

Don’t drink & do the work!