My reflection

From the time I was 5 years old I felt fat. I remember in kindergarten, not wanting to sit in circle time on my knees because I thought my legs were too big.

Not normal.

I wasn’t even a big child either. But somehow the thought of being perfect was embedded into my brain. From birth? From the verbal abuse I was enduring? I’ve done enough counseling to understand it has to do with coping and control.

I’ve been obsessed with my body my entire life. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, and nothing ive ever tried to do has ever helped me. To the outside world, if someone like me expresses these feelings, than I am vain and seeking attention. Judge me, I dont care because I’ve thought worse about myself than you. It’s a real disorder and a real sickness. It’s not about attention. It’s something so deep that’s so incredibly hard to understand or explain.

People think just because someone is thin, that they’re happy. If someone is large, they’re lazy. Both are untrue. No one can win, so why try?

I stare at other women who are all sizes and admire their confidence. Women are beautiful. And at times I do feel beautiful! Its been a 30 year journey to begin to love what i see in the mirror. It’s taken years of practice telling myself that what I think of my body is not really real. I see a big woman. But I know that’s not really true. I’ve been afraid of going public about this out of fear of judgement. I’m public about being an alcoholic so why not about this? Maybe it will hold me accountable to keep trying to heal.

The only thing I can say is that I’ve started praying about it. It’s the only thing I hadn’t done all these years to try and overcome it. I thought, prayer has helped my sobriety so why haven’t I prayed about this? So simple its stupid lol.

Perhaps its working? because nearly 4 months after having my 3rd son, I can look in the mirror and actually say that I’m happy with how I look for just having a baby. For someone like me, that’s huge! Sure, there are days where I count the dimples in my thighs, and I’m 2 inches bigger all around than I was a year ago. But, if I shut the negative talk down long enough, I start to see the real me staring back.

Why do we self hate? Is it easier and safer than having others hate us? Is it learned behaviour from abuse? These all might be true. But all I can do is talk myself down, out of the negative thoughts. If I can slowly change how I think, maybe the reflection will be clearer.

 

A short poem I wrote:

“I dont see what other see

When I look in the mirror,

I don’t see me.

I see a woman who’s larger in size

But my clothes say different,

So my brain is telling lies.

I was 5 years old when I felt this way

Not a moment went by,

That I felt okay.

I’m 35 now, so 30 yrs too long

But I realize it now,

That my minds been wrong.

I can pick myself apart

From my nose to my thighs,

And no one hears my silent cries.

I’ve been my own worst enemy

But I’m learning to love,

The person inside and the reflection that’s me.”

– Amanda Loewen

 

 

Irrelevant Perception

If its not my own truth, its not relevant to who I am.

 

Why do we let what others think of us determine how we feel about ourselves? At what point in our lives do we actually allow others perceptions of us validate who we are?

I can tell you that i have cared since the beginning of my existence – or when my memory begins around 4 years old. However my childhood was filled with verbal & physical abuse in which my mother and sister got the brunt of it. I received it as well but I was the youngest who spent most of the time watching in the corner. I was full of fear, anxiety, self doubt, poor self esteem and depression. Everything in the house had to be perfect. Our rooms had to be spotless without a crayon on the floor, even our toy box had to be organized! Everything I did revolved around whether or not he would be happy or angry with me. This type of mentality was embedded in my brain from a very very early age. Its all I knew. So of course, well after my mom had left him, this stuck with my personality. I was a people pleaser.

Everything I did, said and wore, I thought about what other people would think first, before I had even decided for myself. IT DROVE ME INSANE. But still, I couldnt stop!

This pattern has followed me throughout my life. I have focused on pleasing others before myself. In friendships & relationships.

It is extremely tiring and overwhelming and the only thing that would calm me down was a drink. When i sobered up, I was stuck with these thoughts. My anxiety was at an all time high and  I was drowning in my own thoughts.

It hasn’t been easy over the last 4.5 years but Ive done a lot of work on myself. Ive had to face my feelings, my character defects and Ive had to work on them! The biggest lesson that I have learned is the fact that i cannot control or change other people. The more i worry about what others think or about what they do, the less time I am spending on bettering myself. And, If Im not my best self then I can easily go back to the negative, depressed active alcoholic that I was for a decade. Ive spent the better part of my entire life worrying about other people instead of myself. I allowed other opinions to dictate how I view myself. I believed hurtful words, I allowed myself to be treated like garbage. I allowed every bad experience to continue to hurt me. WHY??? What good does that do? Absolutely nothing! Its INSANITY! Pure insanity! I can only control MYSELF and how I react to people. MIND BLOWN!

Why this has taken me 34 years to figure out? The only reason I can think of is that I had to go through all of this experience to realize who I really am, who I want in my life, and my self worth. Also, to be quite frank, Im just too sick and tired to care anymore. Im worn out worrying about haters who think their perception of me is correct.

The thing is, if people base their opinion on me prior to 2014, they really dont know the real me anyways! That person was broken and slowly slipping away. So why care what they think if I know & God knows who I really am!

There are people who dont like me today. There are people I thought were my friends who have slowly cut me out. There have been times that I have been verbally attacked. I was judged for dating my now husband, Jon, because of the amount of sobriety he had back then. Did all of this bother me? Yes. However I have wasted way too many years worrying about every single person and every single opinion i just CANT DO IT ANYMORE. I pray about it. I ask God to help me forgive and let it go. This does not happen overnight, but eventually I dont even think about it anymore!

Bottom line? If its not my own truth, its not relevant to who I am. My life is MINE, not anyone else. No one owns me. I am not a puppet on a string, I am not a servant and I have self love and self worth today. I dont want to look back on my life realizing that I was living for other people instead of living for me.

Think before you Judge

Don’t assume their happiness is fake because you are in reality faking your own

If I’m judged (which I totally am) or unfriended on social media (happens a lot) for doing Younique, or sharing my happiness then i will pray for those people. As much as it bugs me, i must remember that I also was the type of person who was annoyed by happy, confident people. They pissed me off. It wasn’t until I got healthy mentally & spiritually that I realized that it’s way easier and better to lift other women up then to judge them.
Let’s be clear. My life isn’t perfect. I just don’t air my dirty laundry on social media. I share my family, my sobriety in hopes to help others, my animals and my business that helps so many women feel good about themselves inside and out. It provides for my family. I’m Christmas shopping this week because I made money working online.
So I guess God is showing me what I had once done to others. Judged them by their happiness, by their selfies and by their jobs. When in fact the real problem is within themselves just like it was inside me.

I used to make fun of women who worked the streets and now I have great friends who used to be those women. I have compassion for them today. I see them as women, individuals and not for what they used to be.

I used to judge alcoholics who drank everyday and smelled of booze. Who scrambled change to buy a can of beer. And I became an alcoholic myself. I became who I once judged.

I used to judge those who rushed into relationships and then I did it myself.

I could never understand how mothers or fathers could let themselves get to a point where they lose their children. Then it almost happened to me. It woke me up real quick! Now I understand. Addiction takes over. It doesn’t make us bad parents it made us sick parents.

I’m grateful God shows me these lessons because without them i would not learn.

Don’t judge others. Don’t assume you know their life. Don’t assume their happiness is fake because you are in reality faking your own. I speak these words because I’m speaking from experience. I’m no longer that person I have explained here today. When I come across people who hurt my feelings, I ponder over it way too long. Eventually I pray about it & slowly let it go.

We cannot expect the world to treat us how we want to be treated. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. All we can do is control how we react.

React with kindness not judgement. You never know when you will go through the same thing.

Don’t paint someone as weird or someone who you would never be friends with. God may cross your paths at some point and they may become your best friend or someone who comes into your life for a reason.

Don’t complain when it’s too hot and complain when it’s too cold. Don’t stress over not having money and then stress about paying bills when you do have money to pay them. Don’t complain about the cashier who wasn’t friendly. She may be working 3 jobs to feed her kids and she is exhausted. Don’t judge a parent who’s child is screaming, you have no idea if that child has disabilities that are not visible.

My rant is based on the fact that this world is taught to judge.

Why should we judge anyone when we aren’t perfect.

Perfection does not exist so why do we seek it.

God can judge me. And I’m completely comfortable with that today.

Sober 1600 days December 10th 2018

 

A Life Not Wasted

Without his mistakes teaching me about my own path, I wouldnt have accepted the other part of who I am.

Many people believe that one who lives a broken, sad or troubled life without changing their ways before death, is a life wasted. I used to believe this as well, but now I am unsure.

Take my dad for example. He spent over 40 years drinking hard. He lost a wife, another good woman, his children. He spent the last 20 years living alone and the last 6 years with heart problems. One would say he wasted his life.

But did he?

I wouldnt have learned to be compassionate towards others with disabilities if I didnt have a father who was deaf. I wouldnt have learned that staring at others is rude. I wouldnt have learned that it shouldnt matter if someone can hear or not, see or not see, have all their limbs or not, hair or no hair. I wouldnt have learned that the heart is what matters the most.

After 10 years of drinking hard myself, I wouldnt have realized that my sons would be  gone one day too, and I would have been in my dads position, alone. I used that awakening moment to finally make the decison to stop the cycle of alcholism in the family. I wouldnt have sobered up 30 years before my dad.

Without sobering up I wouldnt have learned to forgive him. I never would have looked at him as a spiritually sick person instead of an evil person like I had for 20 years. My anger never would have lifted and I wouldnt have peace in my heart. When he passed away, I wouldnt have helped plan his celebration of life. I wouldnt be going through his belongings and taking care of what needed to be done. I wouldnt be sitting here missing him and I sure as hell wouldnt have spoken at his celebration of life.

His journey through life helped me realize that I dont want to go through the same. I dont want to lose my children or my spouse. I dont want to be someone who I am not because of this disease. The fact is, I am his daughter and I always will be. Half of who I am is who he was. His journey helped me realize that I want more than he had. His mistakes taught me forgiveness which brought me serenity. Without this experience I wouldnt be reminiscing about the good times or feeling proud to be just like him. From his creativity to his work ethic, all the way to the curly hair and blue eyes. Without his mistakes teaching me about my own path, I wouldnt have accepted the other part of who I am.

He taught me a lot regardless of his inability to be the father he should have been.

PEOPLE PLEASING

Nearly 4 years sober and I still have a hard time letting go. You see, I am a huge people pleaser. I’m pretty sure it’s a result of my abusive childhood. Every day for the first 10 years of my life I was either listening to screaming, being hit or feeling afraid. My world was inside an egg shell. I did everything that I could to prevent him from being angry. I spoke when asked, I made sure all my chores were done, I kept quiet and I never talked back. I didn’t know this was not normal until I started going for playdates at friends houses. I never wanted to come home. I began to envy my friends families and asked for extra time at my nanas house whenever I went there.

My people pleasing curse (as I call it) has followed me into adulthood. It’s been attached at my hip throughout every relationship and friendship. It’s absolutely exhausting.

My mind is a revolving door. It never shuts completely and it keeps recycling the same old shit every time.  Are they upset with me? What did I do wrong? They must be talking bad about me now. They are judging me. Their opinions have changed! How can I get them to be happy again? Why don’t they like me? Am I not fun? OMG fuck I drive myself INSANE! I have even avoided crucial decisions and suffered the consequences just to keep the other person happy and to avoid conflict. This is a major character defect of mine!

No matter how many times i work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, this comes up on my inventory. I’d like to say I am getting better but I am no where near in the clear.

It’s a battle within my own head. One side says who cares if they don’t like you, as long as my side of the street is clean, that’s all that matters. Or, if I do upset someone, apologize and let it go. If my spouse seems agitated, I shouldn’t automatically think it’s about me. But the default side of my brain obsesses over fixing the situation. The problem is, I am trying to control way too many situations that I cannot control. It’s not my job to make someone happy. I cannot make someone like me. It’s none of my business what someone thinks of me and it’s not up to me to make someone forgive me after I apologize.

I must let go and let God. Give it to him to deal with because I am exhausted. At times I need to remind myself of that.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I was programmed to please others before myself, so practicing letting go is a classic example of  “progress not perfection”.

Perfection does not exist. So please God take my fear of pleasing everyone away. It’s too heavy to carry anymore and I need your help.

All She Wanted

All she wanted was the effort that she gave. The love she showed and the loyalty she promised. Unfortunately it would take 33 years to find it. Before the disaster of the dating world began, she was molded into an insecure, self conscious little girl who was quiet unless she was around her sister and mother. Fear ran through her veins as it would for many years to come. The only time she felt safe was with her Nana & Grandpa. After the death of her Nana when she was just 9 years old, all her sense of security died as well. There was no more escaping to Nana’s to get away from the screaming & hitting. She endured the violence, most of which went against her mother and sister. But we have two ears for a reason. She heard everything. Every hurtful word. The words were worse than the spoon breaking on her behind.

Dating began in mid teens and she clung to any attention she could get. Desperate & lonely she seeked love. Unfortunatley she was not given a good example of relationships and this resulted in her dating men who resembed the abusive man she called “Dad” growing up. She was never physically abused by men she dated, however she was controlled, manipulated, verbally and emotionally abused. It seemed that every man she dated took turns with a type of abuse. If she could just change a man, he would treat her the way she hoped for and if she could become who they wanted her to be, IF….being the repetitive word. The cycle of the “bad boy” remained a bad habit for many years.

The fact of the mater was that she didnt believe she was worth better. How could she believe she was? Her biological father abandoned her before birth, she was abused until the age of 10 and watched her mother be degraded. Her step father became her dad and he was an angel sent to her family from then on, however the damage was already done by the age of 11. She had absolutely no self worth.

She had become a broken, sad and sick alcoholic. It took 18 years of relationships before she finally snapped. One last heartbreak and she realized that she needed to do things different if she ever wanted to find lasting love. By this time she was 2 years sober and had been doing a lot of work on herself. She was sober, a great mother, in full time school and thriving. And the man she was with backed off slowly. He was with her in her hard times, but when she began to grow as a woman, and shine bright in her accomplishments he was no where to be found. What did this teach her? That the man she was meant to be with would want to be with her in good times and in bad. He would accept her for who she was and never want her to change. He would love all of her, and be an equal partner in life who put her as a priority and not an option.

She found this man when she was 33 years old. They remained friends for 5 months before dating. This was something she had never done. Despite her fear of heartbreak again, she listened to her instinct. Her instinct that she believed was God speaking to her. She had no bad feeling towards him. There was no thought in the back of her mind telling her that it wasnt right. Her fear was simply a reaction to being treated with respect. It was new and she had no idea how to deal with it. So, she prayed. She prayed and asked God to remove her fear and have her accept this new love.

He asked her to marry her 3 months later.

She is now grateful for every heartbreak she endured. They were lessons in life that prepared her for the real thing. Its funny how God works in mysterious ways.

All she wanted, is now all she has in front of her.

Spiritual Malady

One of the biggest things I learned early on in my sobriety is that alcohol wasn’t my main problem.

Say what!?

Yeah, that was my first thought too.

You see, I have a 3 part disease. An allergy of the body, an obsession of the mind, and a spiritual malady.

ONE sip of alcohol and my brain becomes obsessed. It actually sends off signals to my body wanting more. All control is lost. This is when my choice is gone. If I tried to stay sober one day, that day consisted of me obsessing over every minute and every hour that i was without it, and contemplating every reason to drink. The obsession always won.

The spiritual malady was explained to me when I started to do some work on myself for the first time in my life. I had never heard such a thing. I had already admitted & accepted that I was an alcoholic and I understood why I shouldn’t drink anymore. But I didn’t believe I could ever be happy. Happiness was rare for me so I was a non believer, and I was about to roll my eyes and tell myself, I knew this was bullshit.

However I read the paragraph on p52 in the AA Big Book that sums up the symptoms of the infamous AA ‘spiritual malady’ said to be at the root of all alcoholism/addiction; the reason why we need to drink/drug/have sex with strangers/eat our weight in sugar/work ’til we drop just to cope with daily life;
‘We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy…’ it goes on.

I was all ears. Could this really be? Someone else felt the same? This isn’t just me? There is a name for how I have felt my entire life? At 30 years old I had absolutely no ability to cope with anything that caused me unhappiness, stress or anxiety. So of course! It makes sense! You mix a spiritual malady, an obsession of the mind and a physical allergy and no wonder I drank daily for 10 years. To make it worse, I am predisposed to alcoholism because of my family history. This is when my eyes opened and my ears started listening to learn and not just listening to justify going back to drinking.

I can honestly say that my spiritual malady can creep up like a creature in the night. If I’m not self aware, if I don’t pray to my higher power on a daily basis, if I stop expressing myself, helping others, and doing all the things that I have been taught, that malady will stick around. Eventually my old coping mechanism will come back and I will drink. I know this 100%. So today, when those bad days come, I use my tools; or my lifelines as I like to call them. I pray, call a friend, distract myself with a book or writing here, I work on my business, I try to help someone, I go to a meeting, or some times I simply spend time alone in a quiet room.

Allowing myself to feel sucks some days. I hate the sadness, anxiety & stress life brings sometimes. But I like it more than relapsing! This too shall pass- and it does!

Happy Mothers Day!

 

In the first picture you see, it was Mothers Day 2014. Two months before I got sober. We went out for brunch with my parents so this was before noon and I had already been drinking. Most likely it was left over wine from the previous night. Nasty sour wine that was still in my glass. I was so sick! The last 6 months of my drinking career was the worst I had ever been. I had been going downhill fast. The only reason I look decent in this picture was because I was only a couple drinks in. I was drinking morning to night (or whenever I passed out). At brunch my mom asked me if had any drinks and I lied and told her I had some weed because of my anxiety (how stupid – my pores leaked booze she must have smelled me). This is how bad my alcohoism was. I couldnt even go celebrate mothers day with my mother and sons without taking a drink. I actually couldnt look at pictures from before July 2014 ( I sobered up July 24 2014) because of all my guilt. Even writing this, i feel some guilt creep back up again. What a horrible mother I was!? Thats what I really want to say, but the recovered part of me knows I was a good mom, but I was a very broken, sick mother who didnt know there was a way out. My sons were clean, fed, dressed, happy and healthy. But their mom was not 100% emotionally available. OMG THE GUILT DOES NOT GO AWAY. It has eased up over the years, but its still there. That is a work in progress.

Fast forward to yesterday, Mothers Day 2018. Not only are my boys noticeably taller, but I am nearly 4 years sober. The thought of drinking did not enter my mind yesterday. We had a BBQ at my fiances mothers house, with family and even my parents! I’m with my sons 26 days out of the month (they spend a couple weekends with their dad – sometimes more in summer) I now work at home full time as a Younique presenter www.mandysbeautybar.com , so Im the first one they see before school and after school. It brings me joy that I am a GREAT mother today who is spiritually fit, sober and happy. It brings me contentment that they will look back on these years and have smiles on their faces remembering that their mom changed her life and was always there for them. Lets face it, at the rate that I was going, I was headed towards being a part time mother IF THAT. I owe it to them, to my family, to my friends, TO MYSELF, to be happy and healthy. There is no way that I will find this kind of serenity in a bottle.

What a blessing it still is to enjoy moments like these, without a drop or puff of anything mind altering. I can laugh, cry, smile, dream, be myself, be PRESENT IN THE MOMENT and be 100% available for my sons in every way possible, WITHOUT A DRINK! I never ever thought it was possible. I had literally accepted that being an active alcoholic for the rest of my life was just the way it was supposed to be. Thankfully I now accept being an alcoholic, but I have surrendered and happily live sober!

10 Things Ive Learned in Sobriety

The biggest things that I have learned over the past 3 years and 7 months in sobriety:

1. I now look at my side of the street. Even in those situations where I dont find myself at any fault, there is still something that I could do better. Even if that is letting something go.
2. Allow myself to feel. Before sobriety I would numb all my feelings. Happy, sad, angry, it didnt matter. Now, I allow myself to feel them. As much as they suck sometimes, I remind myself that one sip of alcohol will not make anything better.
3. Self first not selfish. A major moment in my early sobriety was learning that I had been a very selfish person my entire life. I had no idea! It broke me down entirely when I realized this. I didnt want to be that person anymore. It is hard learning how to know when you are being selfish or putting yourself first. I believe I still have my moments of selfishness but today I call myself out on it. I talk to my sponsor or a friend and ask their opinion. Today, i take time to be alone with myself. This helps me feel grounded, less overwhelmed with life and more relaxed. This also helps those around me, because they will have a better version of me! I have gone from not liking to be alone at all, to longing for it some days. Just because the drink is gone doesnt mean my mind stops racing. That squirrel is still going!
4. Judgement. Lets be honest here, everyone does it. EVERYONE. Its a quick instant thought that goes through our minds. The difference with a thought and actually being a judgmental person is what you do with that thought. I no longer let myself ponder the judgmental thought. I stop myself, and put myself in that persons shoes. I self discipline myself! It really works and I feel like I am more of an accepting person today because of this. Who am I to judge when I am not perfect either. People dont like what they dont understand, so try to understand! Have a conversation with yourself. Try to understand where that person you are judging is coming from. You will most likely end up experiencing something, or becoming friends with someone you once had judged. Funny how that works!
5. My way is wrong. I learned that the way i was thinking was mostly wrong! I had no idea how to cope with my feelings or how to sort out my thoughts. I acted on impulse and thats all I knew until sobriety. Now, i have learned that its my higher powers way, not mine. Lets face it, my way got me to my lowest point of my life! I now know how to cope with my feelings and make good decisions that will benefit myself and others instead of acting on irrational thoughts.
6. I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I spent 30 years thinking I was a loser and an emotional mess. I had no confidence and no self love. When i look back on my life so far I have overcome physical and emotional abuse, I have survived heartbreak more than once, I was able to start over as a single mother, I survived being dirt poor, I put myself through collage, I started a home based business (www.mandysbeautybar.com) and the biggest one yet is I GOT SOBER. So in moments of self pity, I remind myself of how far I have come.
7. Forgiveness. This was a big one for me. I didnt grow up in a family who knew how to forgive easily. This has taken me over 30 years to learn. To me, forgiveness would mean that what that person did to me was okay. I didnt want it to be okay and I didnt want to forget. What I have learned is forgiveness is for MYSELF. Its for me to LET GO and give it to God to deal with. We all get our judgement day and we all have to live with the shit we have done wrong.  So why carry it around when I cannot change what happened. I give it to god to deal with one day, and I let it go. Sometimes this takes me months, but eventually I let it go. This has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my entire life. I have actually been able to forgive people who I never in a thousand years thought I would be able to.
8. Self Love. I cannot sit and tell you that I think im the bomb.com and im the most beautiful woman in the world because i would be lieing. But, I have learned to like myself today. That is a big turn around for me. When i removed those foggy glasses I started seeing myself for who I was. I was imperfect which is okay because we all are! I am extremely caring and compassionate, honest, funny, accepting, hard working, ambitious and a good mother! I have many faults, but they dont define who I am because im a work in progress! PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!
9. Im worth it. I am at a place in my life that I believe that im worth happiness. Happiness did not exist in my childhood and therefore happiness was foreign to me. Everyone who I met who was a truly happy person I believed they were fake. 3 years and 7 months ago i met a room full of happy people who were alcoholics like me. It completely changed my belief. So i started doing what they did to get sober and stay sober. Its working! And i am worth happiness, love and peace. And so are you!
10. Acceptance. This is by far the hardest thing in life for a lot of people. To accept the things you cannot change, wow, very hard! Some days I find myself saying the Serenity Prayer multiple times. It works! Why stress or get angry over things that you have no ability to change. Its a waste of energy. I also fully accept that I am an alcoholic. I used to be ashamed and didnt want anyone to know. I now fully embrace it, I dont care who knows because i am no longer ashamed or embarrassed. I look at it as a strength because I have worked my ass off to stay sober! Just because im an alcoholic doesnt mean that I am a horrible person. I am an alcoholic and I always will be until the day I die. I cannot have one sip because my body instantly becomes addicted and my mind and body crave more and i lose the ability to control it. I am okay with that today. Being an alcoholic doesnt define who I am, its simply a part of me.

How I’m Still Sober

In a recent meeting, I was asked to share. Its my home group so they ask me a lot. I always share! Even when I don’t want to, I still try to give some of my experience, strength and hope. That particular night I wasn’t feeling it. I drew a blank. So i politely said, “My name is Amanda and I’m an Alcoholic, i would just like to listen tonight, thank you for asking me.” Well holy shit I’ve never had so many eyes looking at me at once before. So i said, “Okay…….or maybe I will share?” Everyone laughed. I took it as a sign from God saying, “Amanda! Someone in this room needs to hear you!”

What I ended up speaking about was actually really important and I had some friends come to me after thanking me for sharing. Sometimes the words are so scrambled in my brain I have no idea how they sound when they come out. You see, my brain works extremely negative. Its wired to think bad, make big assumptions and play a pity party. I believe this is a product of my environment from birth to 30 yrs old. I dont blame anyone now, but its a simple fact that we are a product of our environment. I didn’t have the tools to cope. I had no self esteem or confidence, and I didn’t believe anything good would ever happen to me.

It wasn’t until i got sober in July 2014, that my thinking started to change. Up until that point, I had no idea that the problem wasn’t the drink. It was between my two ears. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, an allergy of the body and a spiritual malady. When i heard this, my mind was blown. However, i still didn’t believe anything could ever help me. All I knew was that the one thing that helped me for so long, no longer worked. The bottle used to be my best friend, my therapy, my confidence, and my courage. But after 8 years of drinking, my last 2 years became completely unmanageable. I didn’t believe I could live without it. For something that once made me happy, had become my worst enemy. I was restless, irritable and discontent, even during my sober moments. It sounds a lot like a toxic relationship and in a way it was. The bottle was this manipulative, two faced boyfriend that I needed to break up with but I was so weak, I couldn’t. My life had never been full of roses and butterflies. It had been dark, gloomy and miserable with periods of sunshine that was quickly followed with overcast. For someone who never saw much sun, it was easy to believe it would always be stormy. The drink was my umbrella for many years. But the umbrella started to break. It wasn’t working anymore. I was standing in what seemed to be a sea of unbearable pain and I no longer had anything that was protecting me.

When i started going to meetings, I started listening to others speak. Sitting there angry, mad and depressed that I even had to walk in those doors. But i listened. I realized there were so many others like me. I had no idea the woman with the pretty makeup who looked like she had the best life was actually a recovering alcoholic. I was shocked to see a man who owned his own business and wore a suit by day, was an alcoholic. My perception of an alcoholic were the ones who walked around looking for cans to get some change for a single beer. Or the alcoholic father who abandoned his two daughters, like mine had done. I had no idea that a single mother that held jobs down and paid the bills was an alcoholic; I had no idea that I was the exact same as these people until I listened. My eyes were open. My ears were listening. My heart began to thaw. It had been frozen for so many years. I realized there were many types of alcoholics, of all ages, races and backgrounds. I realized that I was one of them. This is when I finally accepted it. I looked at these people around the room and I didn’t look at them as losers. I actually really respected them. So if they arent losers, than I cant be either. If millions of people have beat this disease then maybe I can too. But i quickly learned that its a lot more work than just putting down the drink. I had to begin doing the work.

With the help of the 12 steps, I was able to forgive people in my past that I never thought I could forgive. Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is not to let them feel better and wipe the slate clean. Its for ourselves. Its a choice we make not to hold on to the pain anymore. We give it to God to deal with! What those people did to you still matters. Your feelings are still valid! But make the choice not to hold on to it anymore. They will have their judgement day as we will have ours. So dont hold on to their shit anymore! GIVE IT TO GOD. Also, forgive yourself!!! Things you’ve done wrong were done most likely because you were not in the right frame of mind. I wouldn’t have hurt those I loved if I wasn’t sick. Thats right; I was sick. I didn’t know there was a solution. Alcohol was my solution. Now i know there is a different way. So i have to forgive myself! I was also able to realize that i had been living in a spiritual malady for 30 years. My thinking was completely messed up. I could not live the happy life that I wanted if i was to continue thinking negative. I began focusing on my assets and working through my defects. Its important to realize that no one is perfect. Sorry to tell you, but you arent either! You arent unique and you will never be the perfect one. Strive for progress not perfection. I am a firm believer in gratitude. I practice gratitude every single day. It helps me stay positive and maintain my spiritual health. I am grateful when it rains at night because I can hear the rain drops while I fall asleep. For so many years I couldn’t hear them because I was passed out drunk. I am grateful to be able to drive home after a night out, wash my face and get into bed. I’m grateful for my sons chatting to me non stop about their drama with their friends in the 4th grade because If i was still drinking I wouldn’t have cared to listen. I’m happy that my sister can call me with her problems because I can now be there to support her. If i was still drinking I would never have gotten a phone call. I’m grateful to go to work and not worry if someone can smell the alcohol on me from the night before. Today I am not a loner. I do not hibernate in my dark living room. I have friends, family and love today! I receive messages from people asking for help! I AM GRATEFUL FOR LIFE TODAY.

I have chosen to be open about my recovery for one reason. To end the stigma! We are NOT hopeless. We are NOT awful people. We have a sickness that involves underlying issues that must be worked out in order to heal. The fact that we have desire to overcome this is strength!!!! WE CAN RECOVER! Addiction does not have to be a death sentence. Its possible to recover and live to tell your story. I love to tell mine because If i can give hope to one person struggling, than everything I’ve gone through is worth it!

I must maintain these things on a daily basis. Its crucial to my recovery. Its like a car. You must do the maintenance in order for your car to run properly.

Acceptance. Forgiveness. Spiritual Health. Gratitude. Help Others.

I’m happy to say that I will be sober 3 years on July 24th 2017.