Think before you Judge

Don’t assume their happiness is fake because you are in reality faking your own

If I’m judged (which I totally am) or unfriended on social media (happens a lot) for doing Younique, or sharing my happiness then i will pray for those people. As much as it bugs me, i must remember that I also was the type of person who was annoyed by happy, confident people. They pissed me off. It wasn’t until I got healthy mentally & spiritually that I realized that it’s way easier and better to lift other women up then to judge them.
Let’s be clear. My life isn’t perfect. I just don’t air my dirty laundry on social media. I share my family, my sobriety in hopes to help others, my animals and my business that helps so many women feel good about themselves inside and out. It provides for my family. I’m Christmas shopping this week because I made money working online.
So I guess God is showing me what I had once done to others. Judged them by their happiness, by their selfies and by their jobs. When in fact the real problem is within themselves just like it was inside me.

I used to make fun of women who worked the streets and now I have great friends who used to be those women. I have compassion for them today. I see them as women, individuals and not for what they used to be.

I used to judge alcoholics who drank everyday and smelled of booze. Who scrambled change to buy a can of beer. And I became an alcoholic myself. I became who I once judged.

I used to judge those who rushed into relationships and then I did it myself.

I could never understand how mothers or fathers could let themselves get to a point where they lose their children. Then it almost happened to me. It woke me up real quick! Now I understand. Addiction takes over. It doesn’t make us bad parents it made us sick parents.

I’m grateful God shows me these lessons because without them i would not learn.

Don’t judge others. Don’t assume you know their life. Don’t assume their happiness is fake because you are in reality faking your own. I speak these words because I’m speaking from experience. I’m no longer that person I have explained here today. When I come across people who hurt my feelings, I ponder over it way too long. Eventually I pray about it & slowly let it go.

We cannot expect the world to treat us how we want to be treated. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. All we can do is control how we react.

React with kindness not judgement. You never know when you will go through the same thing.

Don’t paint someone as weird or someone who you would never be friends with. God may cross your paths at some point and they may become your best friend or someone who comes into your life for a reason.

Don’t complain when it’s too hot and complain when it’s too cold. Don’t stress over not having money and then stress about paying bills when you do have money to pay them. Don’t complain about the cashier who wasn’t friendly. She may be working 3 jobs to feed her kids and she is exhausted. Don’t judge a parent who’s child is screaming, you have no idea if that child has disabilities that are not visible.

My rant is based on the fact that this world is taught to judge.

Why should we judge anyone when we aren’t perfect.

Perfection does not exist so why do we seek it.

God can judge me. And I’m completely comfortable with that today.

Sober 1600 days December 10th 2018

 

1400 Days Sober!

I woke up today 1400 days sober, or 46 months. HOLY SHIT. I am 2 months away from 4 years! Its a MIRACLE. Some people say celebrating or sharing this is gloating, or not being humble. I say to each their own. I personally decided to start sharing my story 1400 days ago for a few reasons.

First of all I tried keeping it a secret for far too long. It weighed on me, and I couldn’t do it anymore. If I am open about being an alcoholic than in a way it holds me accountable. Even if I wanted to drink, I cant. My sons know that I can no longer drink, my family, my friends, my recovery family, EVERYONE knows! I have way too many people who I would disappoint.

Second, I personally think its Gods plan for me to share my story. To plant seeds and hope that one seed blooms like it had for myself. Growing up I was always writing poetry, short stories and dreaming of becoming a writer. I just had no idea what to write about. I had writers block for years and then I got sober, started journaling again here, and BOOM….the words have spilled out. Could this be what I am meant to write about? To help others? I really believe it from the bottom of my heart.

Third, I am proud of every day that I wake up and go to bed sober. Why shouldn’t i be proud? I live around 5 liquor stores and I could literally go drink at any time If i wanted to. Listen, I used to be so ashamed of myself. I thought i was a piece of shit, the worst mother in the world and completely and utterly worthless. I am now PROUD to be an alcoholic. I have found myself through recovery where otherwise I would still be a lost soul. I will not apologize for celebrating my victories!

Trust me when I say that I am a true alcoholic. I never thought I was until it started progressing. I started waking up in the morning with the shakes. Deep down I knew, but the guilt, shame and anger was too much so I drank more. I started drinking in the morning to ease the shakes. I tried only drinking coolers or beer. I tried sticking to weekends or holidays. I would buy one small bottle of wine and promise myself thats all i would drink. I started hiding bottles. I would go to events or restaurants already buzzed and act like I was only starting to drink, to look normal. I would fake being sick so I could stay home and drink. I started drinking vodka and bringing it in my purse. I COULD NOT STOP and I was going down FAST. That did not make me a bad person. That made me a very sick, broken and sad woman who was in her own way crying out for help. I was holding on to 30 yrs of secrets, abuse, depression, anxiety, heart breaks, loss, and stress that I had no idea how to handle.

So when I celebrate a milestone? You better believe that I am proud of myself!

10 Things Ive Learned in Sobriety

The biggest things that I have learned over the past 3 years and 7 months in sobriety:

1. I now look at my side of the street. Even in those situations where I dont find myself at any fault, there is still something that I could do better. Even if that is letting something go.
2. Allow myself to feel. Before sobriety I would numb all my feelings. Happy, sad, angry, it didnt matter. Now, I allow myself to feel them. As much as they suck sometimes, I remind myself that one sip of alcohol will not make anything better.
3. Self first not selfish. A major moment in my early sobriety was learning that I had been a very selfish person my entire life. I had no idea! It broke me down entirely when I realized this. I didnt want to be that person anymore. It is hard learning how to know when you are being selfish or putting yourself first. I believe I still have my moments of selfishness but today I call myself out on it. I talk to my sponsor or a friend and ask their opinion. Today, i take time to be alone with myself. This helps me feel grounded, less overwhelmed with life and more relaxed. This also helps those around me, because they will have a better version of me! I have gone from not liking to be alone at all, to longing for it some days. Just because the drink is gone doesnt mean my mind stops racing. That squirrel is still going!
4. Judgement. Lets be honest here, everyone does it. EVERYONE. Its a quick instant thought that goes through our minds. The difference with a thought and actually being a judgmental person is what you do with that thought. I no longer let myself ponder the judgmental thought. I stop myself, and put myself in that persons shoes. I self discipline myself! It really works and I feel like I am more of an accepting person today because of this. Who am I to judge when I am not perfect either. People dont like what they dont understand, so try to understand! Have a conversation with yourself. Try to understand where that person you are judging is coming from. You will most likely end up experiencing something, or becoming friends with someone you once had judged. Funny how that works!
5. My way is wrong. I learned that the way i was thinking was mostly wrong! I had no idea how to cope with my feelings or how to sort out my thoughts. I acted on impulse and thats all I knew until sobriety. Now, i have learned that its my higher powers way, not mine. Lets face it, my way got me to my lowest point of my life! I now know how to cope with my feelings and make good decisions that will benefit myself and others instead of acting on irrational thoughts.
6. I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I spent 30 years thinking I was a loser and an emotional mess. I had no confidence and no self love. When i look back on my life so far I have overcome physical and emotional abuse, I have survived heartbreak more than once, I was able to start over as a single mother, I survived being dirt poor, I put myself through collage, I started a home based business (www.mandysbeautybar.com) and the biggest one yet is I GOT SOBER. So in moments of self pity, I remind myself of how far I have come.
7. Forgiveness. This was a big one for me. I didnt grow up in a family who knew how to forgive easily. This has taken me over 30 years to learn. To me, forgiveness would mean that what that person did to me was okay. I didnt want it to be okay and I didnt want to forget. What I have learned is forgiveness is for MYSELF. Its for me to LET GO and give it to God to deal with. We all get our judgement day and we all have to live with the shit we have done wrong.  So why carry it around when I cannot change what happened. I give it to god to deal with one day, and I let it go. Sometimes this takes me months, but eventually I let it go. This has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my entire life. I have actually been able to forgive people who I never in a thousand years thought I would be able to.
8. Self Love. I cannot sit and tell you that I think im the bomb.com and im the most beautiful woman in the world because i would be lieing. But, I have learned to like myself today. That is a big turn around for me. When i removed those foggy glasses I started seeing myself for who I was. I was imperfect which is okay because we all are! I am extremely caring and compassionate, honest, funny, accepting, hard working, ambitious and a good mother! I have many faults, but they dont define who I am because im a work in progress! PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!
9. Im worth it. I am at a place in my life that I believe that im worth happiness. Happiness did not exist in my childhood and therefore happiness was foreign to me. Everyone who I met who was a truly happy person I believed they were fake. 3 years and 7 months ago i met a room full of happy people who were alcoholics like me. It completely changed my belief. So i started doing what they did to get sober and stay sober. Its working! And i am worth happiness, love and peace. And so are you!
10. Acceptance. This is by far the hardest thing in life for a lot of people. To accept the things you cannot change, wow, very hard! Some days I find myself saying the Serenity Prayer multiple times. It works! Why stress or get angry over things that you have no ability to change. Its a waste of energy. I also fully accept that I am an alcoholic. I used to be ashamed and didnt want anyone to know. I now fully embrace it, I dont care who knows because i am no longer ashamed or embarrassed. I look at it as a strength because I have worked my ass off to stay sober! Just because im an alcoholic doesnt mean that I am a horrible person. I am an alcoholic and I always will be until the day I die. I cannot have one sip because my body instantly becomes addicted and my mind and body crave more and i lose the ability to control it. I am okay with that today. Being an alcoholic doesnt define who I am, its simply a part of me.

Damaged

It seems that I may be too damaged.

My happy moods are inconsistent, those closest to me are starting to pull away again and I’m crabby to the kids.

The guilt! Oh the guilt! It kills me. I am feeling like I am hopeless. I am in a rut, but sober. But miserable. I know what to do. Do the work. I am. I go to meetings, i do service by helping my sponsee, i pray, i have a sponsor. Maybe i should amp it all up a notch.

I feel like im doing something wrong if I am depressed too much, like, im in “trouble” with the boyfriend or with my mom. Does that make sense? When I have a day where I feel like today, i should just think ” Oh no I have to see people so lets fake it till i make it! “.

Am I too damaged?