Tag: 12steps

Instant Love at First Drink

When i think about my journey through alcoholism, I am stunned sometimes to think I have gone through so much shit and I am only 32 years old. Like, I am an alcoholic and age 32? What the hell! How did this happen?

Well, I was predisposed as an alcoholic because i come from a long line of them! My biological father (sperm donor more like it) is a huge alcoholic and his father was one, and his father before him. Basically, addiction is in my blood. I grew up with my mom always telling me to be careful when i grow up and drink. She was very honest about why. I never once thought I had inherited the disease. I never realized that my  unresolved resentment, anger and sadness would be a contributing factor to my alcoholism. Those feelings are what got me started! That first drink was AMAZING! I felt so numb. That fuzzy feeling came over me and it was an instant love at first drink!  I felt pretty all of a sudden, desirable, I felt like i was somebody who was fitting in with the crowd, i felt courage to talk to guys, and girls who I was otherwise intimidated by! It transformed all of my insecurities. I was the girl I had only dreamed of being.

During my teens my drinking was “normal experimentation”. I was not addicted, or was I? I could go weeks without it. However, i had no choice because i couldn’t buy it on my own! And when I did have it? I couldn’t stop drinking it. I couldn’t put it down after 1 drink. I was the girl drinking beside the guys and holding it down like them! And the hangovers? Oh-my-GOD. I can count many times my mom found me in the bathroom passed out around the toilet. “AMANDA MARIE!” Oh shit – the middle name! But the hangovers passed. And i chased the feeling i got after ONE SIP. The instant love at first drink. The warm fuzzy UNSTOPPABLE feeling like i was on top of the world. I was confident! I was happy and fun!

And then I turned 19. I didn’t stop drinking from that day on. But, i held a job, i went to college, i passed with honors, and I managed my life. So, to the outside it appeared as if it was normal drinking for my age. I secretly knew i was an alcoholic when i started sneaking a bottle of wine into my bedroom and staying in there all evening and all night. But, i didn’t want to admit it. I did not want to live without it. It made me feel ALIVE.

Three years later i got pregnant! I bought a bottle of wine and a pregnancy test at the same time. Negative? Ill drink! But….it was positive! The next 9 months was the first time i had been sober for that length of time since i was 15 years old. I was happy, and I was the Amanda I had thought i could only be with a drink! I thought….I AM CURED! It was just a phase!!!!!! Oh i was so happy that I was not following in the footsteps of my deadbeat alcoholic father. But, a few months after my twins were born, i had a drink. Oh-my-GOD it was instant love at first drink again. Pure bliss. All the stress of being a new mom, the stress of my relationship, the insecurities with my body after giving birth, all of it went away. Nothing else ever took the emotional pain away this fast. I thought I could handle it since i went so long without it.

Two years later when i became a single parent, the bottle become more like my best friend. It was always there to console the pain I was in after my relationship with the father of my sons, failed. It was the only thing that I could count on to take the pain away. I held a job, my sons were fed, and taken care of. I managed things just fine. For awhile.

Like a snowball, my life started becoming more unmanageable. I was miserable. The instant love at first drink was gone! GONE! I didn’t enjoy it anymore! My body was shutting down! I had the shakes! Oh-my-GOD i was physically dependent on it! Even the nights i didn’t want to drink i had to. I didn’t tell anyone how bad it was. I couldn’t. I was an absolute failure at life. I was the loser i had always thought i had been.

My  unresolved resentment, anger and sadness had never been dealt with! All of these years i had been stuffing it down to the core of my soul where it sat and now, i was going to burst. Physically I felt like i was dying every day. Emotionally I was at my rock bottom. Spiritually I was lost and had been disconnected for a very long time.

Alcoholism is more than just taking a drink too many. It involves a spiritual malady, a mental obsession  and a physical allergy. I COULD NOT put down the drink once the poison was inside my body. I was 100% obsessed with drinking from the time i first tried it and fell in love. And, I had always been suffering from a spiritual malady. My alcoholism began before I took a drink for the first time at 15. I have always been an alcoholic, from the moment i was born.

 

AND IM OKAY WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I accept it today. I am NOT a loser! I am AWESOME! And only sobriety has helped me realize that! Completing the 12 steps helped me get rid of a lifes worth of pain, resentment and anger so i could be FREE. And the obsession? GONE!

Don’t drink & do the work!

 

 

My Way Sucks!

As I come close to the one year mark, I find myself focusing more on staying in touch with my higher power every day. And before you click the X in your browser, just hear me out. I said “higher power” because I do realize not everyone believes in God. When I say higher power, yes, to me it is God. But I respect that not everyone views the same as I do, so I say higher power. Translate that word into whatever you want. Think of a tree, Buddha, Michael Jackson, or your first pet! As long as you can turn to faith and be willing to believe that something greater than yourself is helping you along this journey, I believe you have a chance. Why? Because this is the only option that has worked. This is the ONLY reason why I am sober while typing this journal entry. I tried everything else MY WAY. You name it, I tried it.  Doing it my way began with simple excuses which I had thought were completely rational explanations. First of all, so what I drank every day. I was young and every 19 year old was drinking! It was normal! And so what if I drank a few times a week after my twin babies were born 4 years later. I was a young stay at home mom, exhausted, unhappy fiancé and mother of twins! I deserved a drink and you most likely were counting down the minutes until I took my first sip because only then was I able to relax. It wasn’t even a big deal when I drank nightly as a single mother and put my sons to bed each night. There was no need to worry about the bills that I had to figure out how to pay on my own, or the food I had to buy. I had family to help me, right?! It was perfectly normal to slowly drown myself in an alcoholic induced depression that manifested into complete and utter chaos. Afterall, it was everyone elses fault. Life just didn’t like me. From the time I was born into this world, I was dealt the crappiest cards in the world. I was just waiting for life to get its act in gear and deal me a nice hand! I hope you are sensing the sarcasm here. Even as I type this out loud I cannot believe that I had thought this way at one point of my life. It gets better. How about when I started talking myself out of drinking every morning after waking up hung over. All day long my mind was completely consumed with giving myself a pep talk about not drinking that night. Just one night I told myself and then tomorrow night I wont feel so guilty! Sure there were about TWO times that this worked, but even on those TWO nights I was absolultely miserable. I would be driving to get my boys from daycare, and all the way up the the last second I would be saying ” I am not going to the liquor store, I am not going to the liquore store ” and BOOM! I would take the last possible turn at the last possible second and I was in the parking lot of the liquor store. Some days I even went out of my way, in the oppostite direction just to avoid the same cashier so she wouldn’t suspect me of being an alcoholic. Sometimes I even had the clever idea of asking the cashier if she recommended a red wine that I could cook a steak with. All of these things sound completely insane! Why? BECAUSE I WAS INSANE! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I drank over and over and over and over expecting that my life would some day some how make a magical turn for the better and POOF! Everything would be perfect and I wouldn’t be unhappy anymore, I wouldn’t have money troubles, my relationship would be great AND I would finally figure out how to drink like a normal person! HA! NORMAL? I must have been INSANE! Clearly, quite clearly I was no where near normal. I was sick. So spiritually, emotionally and physically sick. I was slowly dying. At my weakest moments, late at night, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew I was going to die and leave my sons motherless. I knew my family would be at my funeral and be so devastated beyond words. I knew that  if I had to sit beside myself as a little girl, that I would be sad. How would I explain myself to her? I couldn’t. That’s when I realized I was not only disappointing everyone who loved me, I was disappointing myself. I had lost myself. I had no idea where I had gone. No amount of alcohol could help me find her. I remember during my last weeks drinking, I knew I was coming close to my bottom. My soul could sense it. I didn’t know how or when, but I knew it was coming. For those of you who may not understand addiction very well let me be clear of something. We addicts, know what we are doing to ourselves! But it gets so bad that eventually we don’t know any way of fixing it. Our hope is gone and the addiction takes over completely. We end up believing all the horrible things said to us, done to us or thought about us that had made us pick up a drink in the first place!  I drank because I pushed so many horrible feelings down inside, so many hurtful memories and I was so afraid. I was afraid to FEEL. So being predisposed to alcoholism, ofcourse one sip is all it took and I was hooked. So when the day finally came when I decided that it was my rock bottom, it was either my sons or alcohol. I chose my sons. (read about that in another post below!) I was done with alcohol even though I had no idea how in the world I was going to do it. I went to an AA meeting, and started going every single day. After a couple of months I asked this woman to help me, who I had heard speak many times about a “spiritual malady” and how its crucial to fix that in order to be happy sober, and not just dry.  She began to take me through the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous. I was miserable, depressed, irritable, restless and discontent. But I met with her each time anyways. My sons played in the McDonalds play place and I sat and listened to her read the big book to me. She explained things that I had never been able to dissect or explain to myself before. There were times that I had even said to her, “Please don’t take offence, but I don’t believe this is going to work. I am going to be miserable and depressed for the rest of my life”. All she would do is smile back at me and say, “Don’t worry, more will be revealed.” Each time I felt like cancelling our next meeting I thought about my sons. I thought about them grown up and hating me one day. I did not want to be the source of their problems growing up. Sure, they are going to run into trouble and problems one day as we all do in life, but I decided, that I was not going to be the root or the source of their problems. God gave me twin boys because I believe God knew they were meant to have me as their mother and I was meant to have two adorable, loving, sweet boys in my life. Together, the three of us complete one another. My heart is complete with two little heart beats beside mine. Just as they once grew inside me. So, if I had to turn my will over to a higher power that I could not see, feel, nor hear, but just be willing to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, I was willing to try. And that’s all it took. I was WILLING. And so I began to have fewer depressed days, and more happy days. And when I did have a bad day, they became a bit easier to get through because I started out praying when I woke up. Giving thanks, and asking for patience, and the willingness to do the right thing. I can honestly say that today, as I head close to my 1 year of sobriety (July 24 2015) I feel serenity in my heart. I do feel peace at the end of the day. I am calmer, and I honestly can say that I am starting to like who I am becoming. I am finding myself again and I am not afraid. When I think about it, there must have been a higher power watching me all along. I escaped death. I am still here because I am a survivor. After all I owe it to that little girl who was once lost.

300 Days of Sobriety

First of all to all my followers who do read my posts when I publish them, I apologize for not writing in awhile. I have no excuse. No matter how busy life is, or what is going on, I should find time to write. I always feel better after writing, I always have. Ever since I was a little girl, I wrote in diaries, and wrote short stories. I used to spend hours and hours writing. I am not sure what happened other than I grew up and daily distractions get in the way.

Today marks 300 days sober. I can hardly believe it. 300 days is absolutely amazing. When I think back I am not sure how my alcoholism got so bad. I’m not sure what day it was that I decided to drink more and more. How did I go from a few drinks a day, to a 1.5L bottle of wine a day, to sneaking a bottle of vodka in my purse? When I really think about my journey, it still baffles me that I’m even here in the first place. But I am here, and it is something that I accepted 300 days ago. I surrendered and accepted that I am forever an alcoholic. But I am now recovering.

My life has been better than it has ever been in all my 31 years. Even when I have a few low, depressed days, my life is still better than ever. I am an honest person again, I am a great mother who is present and emotionally available to my sons. I have a number of wonderful friendships and relationships with my family again. I am not hiding who I am anymore. I have goals again, and I have a relationship with my higher power who I choose to call God. I’m grateful for the program and I’m even more grateful for my close friends and my close family who stuck by me and who have been there for me all the way. My parents, my boyfriend, my sister, my best friends Sarah & Stephanie and my new AA family.

God has always been inside me, I just didn’t know it. I was not the real me for many years. I hated who I had become. I hated myself for all the mistakes I had made through the years. I was ashamed of myself. I blamed myself for every failed relationship I have ever had and any type of abuse that I encountered. I was selfish and self centered. All alcoholics are. Its all about us because its all about the next drink. Alcohol was my solution. It worked for a long time. I functioned and managed my life for some time. However, the more I drank the more depressed I became. Slowly I slipped heavier and heavier into the disease. It started affecting my sons, my relationships, my job. I started isolating more and I wanted to crawl into a deep hole and never come out. The magic was gone. I remember looking at my glass of wine sobbing. I didn’t want to drink it. I knew deep down that I had a horrible problem but I had no idea how to fix it. I couldn’t imagine being happy without alcohol. That thought alone depressed me more so I drank the glass of wine. My life was doomed I had thought to myself daily. I had no hope or faith. I was slowly dying. That is until I hit my rock bottom. I was caught drinking during the daytime by my boyfriend, who had called my parents over for an intervention. I had been lying to them for months claiming that I was sober. I had no manipulative words to say to them, I had no words at all. I had a sense of calmness come over me and I knew that was it. I had sunk to an all time low. My family stopped allowing my sons to sleep at home. They said I had to prove to them that I could stay sober. Each night their beds were empty, I was alone. Reality hit hard. What and who had I become? I did not want my sons to hate me or resent me when they grew up. I did not want to be the source of their problems. I wanted them to be able to come to me and have a great relationship. They are my babies, I have been with them almost every day since I gave birth and now they are gone because I cant put down a drink. My future did not look bright and it was finally clear. I needed help, and I needed it now. I began going to AA meetings every single day. I fully emerged myself in the AA world. I listened to all the stories and I listened with an open heart. I started seeing myself in all of them. I began feeling like I finally related to people and they understood me. I went to 100 meetings in 90 days. After 30 days my parents let my sons come back home at night and everything was back to normal. The radar was on me so If I had been sneaking alcohol they would have known. I would show my mom my purse so she could see that I was not hiding alcohol. But after 30 days they could tell that I was clearly sober. After 90 days everyone noticed how well I was doing. I was calmer, happier and more myself. I met my sponsor and completed the 12 steps and they changed my life. I was able to clear my conscience and let a lot of resentments go that I had been hanging onto since childhood. Today, I have the tools to get myself through the occasional urge. I have serenity that I did not think existed before. I have forgiveness in my heart not only for myself but to those who wronged me in the past. This program is truly a blessing.

Alcoholism is a disease. Its deadly. For the new comers or ones struggling…keep faith. If i can get to 300 days than you can too. Find your strength because it has never left you. You are not a loser or a failure. You are very sick and you can get better and be the amazing person you are inside.

Someone Shoot The F*&^ing Squirrel !

Through the course of the past 8 months of my sobriety, I have been rediscovering certain things about myself that I had forgotten about, or had been completely oblivious to because I was intoxicated or passed out cold. One of those “things” is sleeping. Most nights I sleep like a baby, and by a baby I mean a really good 12 hour sleeper baby! Oh I love sleeping so much, I missed it! All those nights of passing out drunk were not sleeping! I was just  simply in a temporary coma. Every…single…night. It wasn’t until I completed a set of 12 steps, that my restlessness, irritability and discontent (otherwise known as the squirrel inside your head) had finally gone away and I could sleep peacefully again.

I have extremely active dreams every single night. Now that I have been sober for a (small?) chunk of time, I remember as a little girl, I always had very active vivid dreams as well. This is why I always enjoyed sleeping, because each night was like a new storybook or a new movie being played. When I was a little girl, my days were spent listening to screaming, yelling, slamming doors,  fowl language, and trying to be ever so quiet in the midst of it all because if I had dared to ask for even a small, tiny glass of juice, all hell would break loose. So, I looked forward to sleeping. It was my escape from my reality. I was safe there. He couldn’t yell at me, flick me in the head with his fingers, or spank my ass with a wooden spoon. I did not have to hear my sister cry while taking her turn. I didn’t have to listen to the awful words he called my mother. There were no doors that squeaked in the early mornings that made me clinch my face and pray to god that he did not wake up.  I did not have to worry about eating too much because he wasn’t there to comment on how I “shouldn’t eat that much because Ill be chubby like my sister.” In my dreams I was free to fly like a bird. He was not there to tell me my ideas were stupid, or that I should be quiet because strangers could be listening and then they would think I was weird. “Because it matters what they think!!”  In my dreams my sister and I were always together.  I had numerous dreams where we would wake up at night and sneak out of our bedroom window. My sister went first, always in the lead, and she flew out of our bedroom window and whispered, “Come on Amanda!” This was pure happiness! My big sister is saving us and we are flying through the sky.  Those dreams would often end in me falling, with me trying to wake myself up, but I couldn’t. I was getting closer and closer and closer to the ground, about to smash in pieces and I couldn’t wake myself up. But of course the inevitable would happen and I did wake up.  Disappointed. This is how I felt every morning waking up for school. I could see it on my sisters face as well and also my mothers. She was so beautiful but yet she never smiled. I would watch her apply her makeup in the mirror, while she answered every single one of my questions. It was the only time that I had her all to myself. He was not there yelling and calling her names, so she was not shaking and crying. She was just my mommy and I loved watching her apply her makeup. I also loved to watch her sleep. She would often “snooze” for an hour here and there on the weekends ( I always hated that word, snooze. Its such an old granny kind of word!) My mother always had a concentrated look on her face while she slept. I used to watch her and wonder what she was thinking about? Is she escaping too? Is she trying as hard as I did to dream at night? Does she feel safe where she is? Is she happy? I hope mommy is happy there.

The giggles would start when my sister and I would whisper to each other, “Look how stiff she lays, she looks like a mummy!” And then she awoke eyes WIDE open, startled! We held our breath, and she rolled over and fell asleep.

But the giggles never lasted long, because he was bound to come home. As soon a we could hear the foot steps on the back stairs, our backs stiffened and our anxiety levels soared. It was time to be quiet. Speak when asked to and say the right thing. Its all we had to do if we wanted to go to bed without fighting. It was rare, but those quiet nights were fun for me. I drove my sister nuts whispering and chattering her ear off while she tried to sleep. I had been quiet all evening and I needed somebody to listen to all this noise inside my head! Who needs a bedtime story when you have a chatty little sister like me!?

It is no wonder I used alcohol to shut the sounds off when I grew up. I just wanted to fall asleep and dream because that was my safe place. I didn’t have to be perfect there, and no one was there to make me cry. I didn’t feel stupid, afraid or ugly there. I didn’t have to deal with anything. It was my own world, and whatever I created it to be.

I just wanted that damn fucking squirrel to shut up so I could sleep!

My 8th Sober Month Check-In

Well folks I just passed the 8 month sober mark! WOOHOO! I realize I am still new in sobriety, however, it feels great to be able to tell people that I have this length of time. Its sort of like a relationship! The first month dating someone new, you hit one month and you think “Well, okay, this guy/gal is kind of cool, lets see where this goes!” Then, you hit three months and you think “Okay this is great! He/she is totally awesome lets make it official!” Six months comes along and by now you have seen a few character flaws in each other that you are trying to sort through. But, you are happy and content and you know working through it will be worth it!

My first month sober was great, I felt positive and more determined than any of the other times I had tried to stop drinking. Within that first month I knew I could make it past thirty days. I was going to a meeting a day, and really hooked in well with the program. When month three hit, I was so proud of myself for making it ninety days. Part of me couldn’t believe it, but here I was sober for ninety days and I wasn’t craving a drink! However between month three and month six is when I realized that I had been on a pink cloud. I was happy, excited, proud and determined. But coming close to six months is when I started doing step work with my sponsor. We got down to the nitty gritty details of my past and a lot came up that I was holding in. This, I did not like! This is why I drank for years! I don’t like feeling these feelings of hurt & despair. But, I stuck it through. I trusted my sponsor when she told me “Just wait, the promises do come.” I continued to do the work, and I was extremely emotional through the process. I didn’t go out and socialize with friends because I felt like I didn’t fit in anymore. I felt like I was boring and I had no idea what I would have talked about in a crowd of people. What happened to me? I used to be a social butterfly. My friends and family used to laugh at me because I never shut up! I was the chatter box of the group! What happened? Well, its clear now what happened! Alcohol crept up on me. The fun times stopped, but the drinking continued. Twenty years of heartache was beginning to boil to the surface so I drank even more to keep it bottled down.

After I had finished the steps with my sponsor I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I was shocked that doing a set of steps actually worked and helped me feel better. Its a miracle! I felt calm and peaceful without any alcohol in my system or prescription drug from my doctor. I have never been a calm person! That damn fucking squirrel inside my head never stopped, even when I was a small child. That is when I had my spiritual awakening. I have always believed in a higher power, but this is when I knew he was there by my side all the time. This is when I knew I was going to be okay. I never knew what inner peace felt like, for thirty years I was living in constant worry and fear. All those years of build up came out one day in tears. I sobbed for almost an hour to my boyfriend. He held me and just listened. I couldn’t stop crying! Physically could not stop. I almost felt embarrassed but I surrendered and just let the tears flow. It was therapeutic and I was releasing a lot of buried emotions. I will never forget this day.

So now im in my eighth month of sobriety. I also just celebrated my thirty first birthday. After dinner a group of us went back to my brother in laws place. Everyone grabbed drinks. The music went on and I realized that the evening was turning into a house party. But while I scanned the room and saw everyone enjoying themselves on my birthday, I realized that It wasn’t the type of party that I remember. No one was falling over, no one was fighting, and no one was passing out at the table. Is this how normies drink? I was almost shocked because there was no way that I could sit there and sip on a drink. And whats this about only having a couple drinks and then switching to water? Really? People can do that? HA! Wow, I am truly an alcoholic. My boyfriend came over to me and whispered to me “Are you okay?” I looked at him and with 100% honesty I told him yes, I am more than fine! I am not bothered with the drinking at all! I don’t feel left out, and Im having a great time chatting with my friends!  I also realized that this birthday was the biggest turn out for guests that I have ever had. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that they know I wont be hammered and passed out by nine o clock?! All these people came for me. The real me. The sober me.  I don’t have to mask who I am anymore. I no longer have to hide because of insecurities. I am realizing that people liked me more than I had liked myself. I am so grateful for my sobriety and everything that I am learning about myself. I am starting to be the old me again, but this version is new and improved!

So as I head closer to the one year mark in my relationship with sobriety, I am loving it.  Not every day is wonderful but I am happy. I am happy taking it one day at a time.