And so it begins, the quiet whispers in the early mornings on Christmas. Its that time of year again where we all gather around each other in good spirits, and shower each other with gifts to show how much we care. In my opinion, Christmas is more than the gift you unwrap. Its the thought that goes behind the gift, like a tag that should say ” I was browsing in the mall & as soon as I saw this I thought of you “. I like to ponder with that thought. Now this person took the time out of their busy life to squeeze me in & buy me a gift. That certainly means that they care about me. This small gesture is often passed off as just another dollar spent. But if you take a few minutes & quiet the world around you, you may realize you have more gifts than those you unwrap. It has taken me 30 years to come to the realization that we, ourselves, are gifts to each other. Take your time wrapping that gift, fold the corners & curl the ribbon. No one likes to receive a gift that was clearly stepped on, rolled in & chewed before adding the cheap transparent tape to the sides. What you give to others is a reflection of yourself!
This passed Christmas was a special holiday for me, more than I led on to anyone else around me. Not only was it the first sober Christmas I had in 8 years, I was also starting to reflect a lot on the past 10 years of my life. I have been extremely emotional, both happy & sad. Some say this is my “thawing out” period in sobriety. I had been frozen for so many years, drinking my feelings away, that I had not felt in a very long time. Whenever they did start to surface, another cork would pop off the bottle & the aroma of sweet, crisp wine would fill my glass. I didn’t want to even begin to entertain the thought of these memories or emotions, because I couldn’t do so without bursting into tears. Crying was weak, and I was surely not weak! I was strong & independent! What purpose would it have to cry over the past anyways? I could not change the past, nor could I stop myself from crying once I started, so the simple solution was to drink! One sip, that’s all it took for the warm sensation of the alcohol to coat the inside of my body. I could feel it go down my esophagus, into my stomach. My lungs filled up and let out a huge gasp of air instantly relieving any jitters of anxiety that I had. That’s better, I thought. Fuck what anyone else thought, I wasn’t doing any harm by drinking some wine! I am doing them a favor if anything! I am more calm, happier and easier to be around! They should be handing me the damn drink! If no one can see it my way, fuck them! I don’t give a shit! This is what makes me happy, and I will keep drinking if I want to! No one saw it my way anyways. All they care about is themselves and their own lives. No one cares if I am sad, angry or bitter! So why do they care if I drink! They didn’t pay attention to me when I needed them the most growing up, so why do they pay attention now when all im doing is having some drinks every now and then. What they really need to do, is pay attention to their own lives and maybe they would be happier people! They have their own problems to worry about, so they should stay the hell out of mine. You see, now I spilled my glass all over the floor! Damn it! Why cant anything go right! That wasn’t my last glass was it? Fuck! Oh my god! Fuck the world, damn it! Oh, wait! I still have that bottle of vodka in the freezer from last weekend. Good thing my boyfriend doesn’t drink much, I’ll just buy another bottle and replace it before he comes over next, and he will never know! Wow, that’s strong! That burns a lot more than wine! Oh thank god I found it! What would I do without a drink at midnight? All stores are closed, so I cant even call the cab company to bring me a new bottle! I really need to start buying the boxed wine, so I don’t run out so fast! I love living on my own! Look at my place! I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want! Why do people live with roommates in the first place? People piss me off anyways with all their quirks and weird habits. Nobody has proper mannerisms anymore, I would end up in a fight if I lived with someone! The way I live my life is easy and simple. Everybody else is wrong. Fuck what they think. I just don’t care. Ouch! Ouch my knee! Oh that hurt! Son of a bitch! I really need a bigger place one day, or a smaller couch! Damn another bruise! Ugh that will be blue tomorrow! Ill just sit down and put some ice on it. Wait, im out of ice – i’ll just use the last ice cube in my vodka. That’s better, ill just sit here for a minute…………..Anything after this is when my blackout would occur. I’d be lucky if I actually made it to my bed. More than half the time I passed out infront of the tv with my head cranked to the side, still dressed in my clothes and who knows if the door was even locked. Night after night, after night this was my routine. And, what was wrong with it? The only thing wrong with it was other peoples opinions. This went on for 4 years before it started to progress. How could it get worse than dealing with daily hangovers and multiple unexplainable bruises? Trust me, it gets worse. Eventually, I got the bright idea that having a couple glasses of wine in the morning was a great idea to cure my hangover! It was only a couple drinks anyhow, and no one would notice! If anything, they would be happy to see me a bit happier in the mornings! Whats a couple drinks with breakfast, I can handle it. Besides, it will be hours before I get home and finish the bottle anyways……………..I really thought I would be able to hide this from everyone. I showered, brushed my teeth a few times, drank some coffee, popped some gum in my mouth and I thought I was good to go. That is until my boyfriend came to pick me up and I tripped walking to his car. “Have you been drinking?” he would ask me. “No! Oh my god why would you ask me that, I had some wine last night its probably from then. ” I would say. “Okay fine, I had one, only one! Im not even buzzed so its not a big deal”. After so many times he wouldn’t even say a word. We both knew. It was obvious. To him, what was the point in arguing with a drunk woman. To me, he shouldn’t care anyways, because if anything, I am easier going, more fun and heck even more kinky so he shouldnt mind if I have a drink or two. ……………As long as I didn’t have to interact too much with anyone else, we could generally get away with no one knowing I was already half buzzed by noon. That is until he took me to his works Christmas party one winter. By the time we got there I had polished off a full bottle of wine and I was headed for the bar as soon as we checked our coats. The last thing I remember is walking ever so slowly back to our table with dinner, sitting down and wrapping my leg over his, caressing his shoulder and “whispering”, “Youre so sexy baby! I love you!” in his ear. The next morning he told me we had left the party when they started handing out the awards, because I had fallen asleep at the table. Did I mention that our table was right beside the CEO of the company? Oh well, at least I didn’t have to see any of those people until next year, I had thought. To the average person, a pattern can already be seen. Clearly I was powerless over alcohol and my life was becoming unmanageable. But still, quitting was only an option until I took another sip. Day after day. My world was consumed with consuming another drink. It had become by best friend, the only reliable thing I had in my life. I could count on it whenever I needed it. It would never leave me. Parting with something that made me feel happier, sexier, skinnier & dangerous, was out of the question. It was my solution because there was no other way. Without it, I felt like I was dying inside. Without it, I felt worthless. I hated myself from the inside out. I couldn’t even look in the mirror anymore because all I see is a reflection of a hollow soul. Dark, puffy eyes and grey skin. This girl doesn’t deserve happiness. Shes pathetic, stupid and weak. Just like every man had said when I was a little girl. Shes a failure to her family and to herself. So fuck it, give me another drink.
On July 23rd 2014, my boyfriend caught me drinking in the afternoon. The difference with this time, was that I had been lying to him, and everyone that I was sober. For three months up to this day, I had claimed that I was sober. I started going to AA meetings once a week and even started talking with a sponsor who tried to get me to start the 12 steps. The truth was that I was coming home after those meetings and drinking. I just couldn’t stop. There was absolutely no way that I could stop. No one understands. All those happy people at the meeting are either faking or haven’t had it as bad as me. I am special, I am unique. I cant stay sober and be happy. Its not in my destiny. I have never felt complete happiness. I was born into a negative environment, therefore I was brought up with a negative mindset. Its just how I am. But on this particular day, my entire life was before my eyes. My boyfriend caught me drinking mid afternoon with a two six of vodka in my purse. I was caught red handed, and I knew there was no manipulative explanation that could get me out of this one. I was so drunk that I could not even find my keys in my own purse. He drove me to my moms house, who had an extra set, and I sat in the car waiting. For what seemed to be hours, I sat in that car without a care in the world. I had no idea what he was telling my mom. I had no idea what was about to happen. I don’t think I had enough sanity to understand what was even happening. He came back to the car with the extra set of keys, and drove me to my place. If silence could kill, this was about to be my death. Still without a word, I fell onto my bed and threw my face into my pillow. No tears filled my eyes, no words came out of my mouth. A few minutes later my mom and dad came into my house and entered my bedroom with my boyfriend. I could hear my sons downstairs watching a movie on tv to distract them. My mom sat on the end of my bed and placed her hand on my leg. She grabbed the book out of my hand that I was trying to distract them with and threw it on the floor. My dad stood still, looking at me with tears silently streaking his cheeks. My boyfriend stood watching with his arms crossed. They told me they had called my sister who lives in Alberta, and told her everything. That was the only moment that I had ever been thankful that she moved away. I could not fathom the anger that she would portray on her face if she were here. With tears and a frog in her throat, my mom said to me, “Amanda, why? You were doing so well, you could have called and reached out!”. I said nothing. For once in my life I had no words to say, no words to convince them with or tears to wipe away. The next thing that my mom said was the most powerful thing that I have ever heard in my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks and nearly stopped my heart. She said, “We cannot allow the boys to stay here with you, we cannot trust you. They have to come with us.”…………..If I had failed at everything in my life, there are two things I knew that I had done right and those were my twin sons. They were perfect in every way. They were sweet, innocent and loving boys who brought light into my life from the day I found out that I was pregnant. They were mine, my flesh and blood and now they were being taken away from me. Looking back now, I do not know how I stayed so calm. The only reaction I could manage to show was a quick nod of the head, to show them I understood. I had no fight inside me. I felt no anger or resentment. If this was not my rock bottom, then I did not want to live another day this way to find out. That night I never left my bed after they had all left. For a brief moment I had thought it was still early enough to walk across the street to the liquor store and buy a bottle of wine, and no one would find out. But that calmness was still flowing through my veins and I could not move out of that bed. For ten hours I stayed in that bed wide awake through the night while the world slept. There was no way I could sleep while I felt my body begin to detox. The only thing I could think about was the fact that there were two small beds empty in the other room. Two pillows that did not have sleeping heads dreaming. And I had no idea when those beds would ever be filled again. Between the tossing and turning, I talked to myself. How was it possible that I felt so calm. If there was a God, could he please help me fall asleep? If he can get me through this night, I will never drink another sip of alcohol again. Help me, please help me, I prayed. And with that sense of serenity, I fell asleep.
From that night on, I have no longer had the urge to drink. Sure it is a thought from now and then, but it passes quickly. I believe that night was when I surrendered my will to my higher power. I had been faced with losing my sons, my two precious gifts from God. My future had played before me in my mind like a frightening horror movie. I could see my sons grown up, despising the very thought of me. I couldn’t bear to be the reason why my sons would ever be unhappy. That is not in my cards, it is not supposed to be my life. Their hearts beat for the first time right below my own, and I refuse to damage that bond. I am powerless over alcohol, and my life had become unmanageable. One sip and I become a different person. I couldn’t stand myself sober and I couldn’t stand myself drunk either. I was lost and there was no way that I was going to find my way out on my own. Two days later I attended an AA meeting where there was a guest speaker telling her story about her own son who was an addict. I sat there staring at her and listening to every word she spoke. One thing she said that sent chills down my spine was, ” No matter who the person, no matter what their addiction is, when they tell you that they want to get better, they really do mean it! They truly mean it from the bottom of their hearts. ” – A stranger who I just met, believed me! I burst into tears, and a woman who sat beside me put her arm around me and said, ” It makes you want to stay sober doesn’t it?! ” When the meeting was over, I waited for everyone to finish clearing the room, and went up to this woman who had just given me hope. She introduced herself as June Ariano-Jakes ( http://addictionamothersstory.com/ ). I thanked her for sharing her story, and told her that her believing in me just gave me so much hope. So many people don’t understand addiction, and hearing that she believed me meant so much. Its exactly what I needed to hear because I had lost hope in myself. That evening I stopped at my moms house before going home. For the first time in a very long time, I had excitement written all over my face. I hugged her, and with joyful tears I told my mom who I had just met. “She believes us mom! She believes that we really do want to change!” I told her. And with soft spoken words, my mom looked at me and said, ” I believe you too. ”
So with this Christmas approaching I had realized that I could have spent this Christmas alone. While the stores fill up with people rushing around to spend the last of their paychecks, and children writing their Santa letters, all I wanted to do was find a way to show my family my gratitude. All this time they cared and I could not see through all the pain that I was carrying. They cared about me more than I cared for myself. Unconditional love at its peak. I wanted this for myself. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I was fed up with feeling angry, restless and discontent. I wanted my sons to grow up proud to call me mom. I wanted to show them that strength comes from within. So the months reaching up to Christmas I had gone to 100 AA meetings in 90 days, met a new sponsor, and finished my first set of 12 steps. I had stayed sober through losing my job 3 months before Christmas, so money was extremely tight. But the greatest gifts that we can give our loved ones, don’t come in fancy wrapped packages and expensive price tags. The greatest gift that I can give my sons and my family, is my sobriety. On Christmas eve, December 24th 2014, I proudly showed my family a small pink coin marking my 5 months sobriety. On Christmas day, I received the best gift that I could ever ask for. Two gigantic hugs from two boys with smiles from ear to ear who told me that this Christmas was the best Christmas they had ever had.
A true Christmas miracle.
Thy will not mine be done.
Mandy Marie
Mandy's Memoir 